Agony of Life

VII

:(

Trigger warning: self harm, mental heatl and other things that may trigger your self.

'Tiredness is just a word that needs to rest.'

"River... you know that you can survive this right?" Doctor Sebadera, surefully asked me.

I looked at her.

"Can I?"

"Don't think of killing yourself. Don't die." She held my hands, I looked at her.

"Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die. It's in here." Inalis ko ang pagkakahawak nya sa kamay ko at itinuro ang sentido ko.

"You're just thinkin' that. You need to stop thinking about this things..." Hindi ako makapaniwalang tumingin sakaniya, saka ako tumayo.

"I'm only 17 years old, Doctora." I said with a shaky voice. "It's like drowning me with a very deep sea..."

"It's pushing me in a cliff, and whispering me to jump! It's like pushing me to throw myself. And YOU want me to stop thinking about that?" Mahina pero nangangaralgal kong sabi sakaniya. "When in fact, It's not me... It's this."

Saka ko itinuro ang sentido ko. "I'm not thinking of it but— this? She always thinks about it..."

"Rive—"

"No you don't understand." Hinawakan ng mahigpit ni Doctora ang braso ko at tinitigan ako.

"I understand you clearly, Riv." Mahinahon niya akong inupo at mahigpit na hinawakan ang mga palad ko.

"Have you ever been stuck between getting better and wanting to destroy yourself?" She asked. I asked myself.

"Yes— but the pressure to be better and to do better is scaring me."

"Because you're scared of people who will question your worth."

Tumango ako at hinayaang umiyak ng tahimik ang sarili.

Hinawakan niya ang baba ko at matamaam akong tinignan.

"Do you think people who commit suicide actually wants to die?" She asked with a soft smile.

I didn't answer her.

"No. They don't want to die. They don't want to kill themselves because of themselves." She whisperes. Humikbi ako. "The thing is, they want to kill what's inside them." The she pointed head and heart. "They want to stop that voice in their head that doesn't want to stop."

Then she pointed my head again.

"They want relief, nobody wants to die. They want to stop the feeling that keeps growing and eating them inside."

"I died a long time ago," I stopped her. "But none of them notice it."

Lumuwag ang paghahawak ni Doctora sa kamay ko at tahimik akong tinitigan.

"I need everything to stop—no, I want everythung to stop. Living in this life I realized how people will left you when you're in your dark. But when they need you, you're there. But when you need it, darkness only sorrounds you." Nahihirapan kong explina dahil sa hikbi na hindi ko mapigilan habang tuloy-tuloy parin ang luhang mabibigat.

Doctora sat down and cried silently.

"They... they took a big piece of me. And I—I let them, and now? I'm suffering alone, where are they?" I sound heartbroken, my voice cracked.

Hinilamos ko ang sarili ko.

"Without the dark, you'd never see the stars." I looked at doctora wiping her tears and looking at me with a soft smile. "A crayon still colours even if it's broken.