You Rock My World

He didn't deserve Hongjoong

Seonghwa laid in bed, willing for sleep to claim him. But it didn't happen.

After hours of trying his best, he gave up and sat up, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. Hongjoong and Minho's words wouldn't leave him alone.

Did he really still have feelings for Minho? After everything? He had hated Minho. For years. Especially when he started falling for Hongjoong. His messy relationship had almost ruined everything. And...it was happening again.

It seemed so obvious now. From the first moment he decided not to tell Hongjoong, he was in the wrong. There was no reason he shouldn't have just told him that first night.

Except that he hadn't even been able to speak.

It was so startling to see him again. He hadn't thought he'd ever see Minho's face again. And now he might be seeing it every day for the rest of his career.

And that stupid face was ruining everything.

Why did he still have so much power over him? Was it really because he was still in love with him?

It didn't feel possible. As much as Minho still gave him butterflies, he had no intention of giving him a second chance. He could forgive him as a person but never as a lover.

So he couldn't possibly still have feelings, could he? Not any that meant anything. Was it really so wrong to be attracted to Minho? Anyone who looked him in the eye would know it was impossible to resist his charm.

But Seonghwa felt guilt creeping up his back as he remembered the other morning. The morning where he bailed on Hongjoong because he was thinking of Minho.

At least he hadn't told Hongjoong about that.

Well...maybe he should?

It was so hard for him to tell what information he should share with Hongjoong and which he shouldn't. He wasn't used to being able to trust someone. To rely on someone.

He'd always had to fend for himself.

And Hongjoong was so good at listening and staying calm. He was so easy to talk to. So easy it made Seonghwa worry about saying too much.

He knew that Hongjoong felt like he didn't trust him, but it wasn't really about trusting Hongjoong. It was about trusting anyone.

Seonghwa still didn't like that he'd told Hongjoong about Minho. He was the only one who knew, other than his parents. And the only reason they knew was because they were the ones who dealt with the aftermath.

But he had been pretty relieved after he'd said it. All of it. Having someone to talk to about it. It had been swirling around inside of him for years and finally, he was able to let it out. And let Hongjoong in.

He knew that he should let Hongjoong in. It was just hard. He was so used to dealing with it on his own. Taking care of it. He thought he'd be able to manage alone. But he hadn't meant to undermine Hongjoong's significance to him. That was never his intention.

He just didn't think Hongjoong would understand. He was pretty private himself, but only because he knew when to protect others. He kept things inside by choice. He prioritized everyone else. It wasn't that he didn't trust anyone else, it was that he didn't want to be a burden.

So he couldn't understand.

Seonghwa checked the clock on his bedside and sighed as he read 5:04 AM.

He wasn't going to sleep tonight.

Well...what was new.

He decided he might as well make some use of his time and stumbled around the dark room until he'd found his laptop. He slipped it out of its case and took it back to his bed, opening it cautiously so he didn't entirely blind himself.