Lover, leaver

twenty three

*sun it rises ~ the fleet foxes*

" six more weeks until he is finally here. Aren't you excited?" Josh asks

" of course I am" I reply. " just trying to get all of the shit Sam and I need together, that's the hard part."

"well, take a break. come here." josh gently commands. " come on Makenna jo"

"fine, what is it?" I ask.

"turn around." he says practically spinning me around. " if I'm gonna be there I'm gonna be of assistance, so close your eyes and take a deep breath for me." I follow his directions as I feel josh lift my stomach up just as Sam did. I then realized. it wasn't Karen that gave Sam the idea- it was no one other than Joshua Michael Kiszka. "breathe deep and relax. I've got you mama"

"thank you josh. Why do you care for me so much? " I asked. I was genuinely curious.

"what do you mean?" he asks still standing with my stomach in his soft hands.

"I mean I was one of your snot nosed little brothers friends and i know for a fact that i always annoyed the shit out of you and Jake" I say

"I dunno, we just never seen you as a kid because you were always years beyond your time. that and do you think that Sam could've been the only one in love with you? " he says putting me down.

"are you telling me, that my best friends older brother was head over heels for me and YOU NEVER SAID A WORD!!!!!" I say. "that's crazy talk josh kiszka"

"who said I ever grew out of it. I still love ya mama, even that summer fling you had with Jake, i was jealous the whole time. I wished it were me. I thought of you as a higher power- like the sun or the high priestess. you were the prettiest girl I knew. The day sam invited you and Danny over for dinner is the day I realized I needed to love you. I know I should've made my move then. maybe id still be with you now." he says looking down at the ground.

"josh, you know as bad as I want to say it back, you know that I cant. that would jeopardize everything I have gone through with Sam and I don't wanna risk that. I'm about to have the baby and you have the band and neither of us could take that risk. I loved you then, even when I was with Jake but i realized that it was always Sammy and I'm sorry josh. i wish that things were different then. but you have to understand that I wouldn't change anything that has happened up this point." I place my hand on his cheek and give him a slight peck in the space where my hand was. "I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go to sleep. good night squash" i say as i crinkle my nose and laugh as i walk away and head back to Sam's room.

"good night Kenna Jo." josh's voice fades into the kitchen
Although I went to bed, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep after the incident with josh in the kitchen. I was awake when sam came to bed.
"you still up?" Sam asked
"Yeah. Can't sleep." I reply Rubbing my stomach.
He wraps his arms around me and burrows his nose into my neck.
"Wanna talk about it?" He hums.
"Not really, just thinking of names and places." I lie.
"good night mon Cher. Don't stay up too late." He says adjusting comfortably.
Yet still I contemplated what was said. if josh loved me then, why didn't he make a move? Why was he telling me now? I didn't get it. Like big brother, like little brother I guess. why did he bring up mine and jakes fling of everything he could've brought up? why were the kiszkas so attracted to someone like me? I was anything but perfect and I have had all three brothers in love with me at some point and only one of them won.
that was the single thought that flooded my brain. was he really that upset that me and Jake had a month long fling ? wait until he finds out that it was a lot longer than that and there was a lot more that happened than that and the reason we broke up was more than what I told Sam. Jacob kiszka was my first love. before Sam. but I never had the heart to tell josh , Sam or Danny for that matter. so whatever happened that summer, Jake and I kept it a secret.
A secret no one knows.