When Love Lasts | Doah

Feelings

Friday February 11 2022, 10:09 a.m

Dixie's POV:

I was in my bed staring up at the ceiling, wondering what to do next. What was wrong with me? Why was I so 'attached' to Noah? What did I feel?

I knew everything. I knew what I wanted to know the most. The most important questions had been answered but it was the little questions that bugged me. 

I didn't know what I felt, and it annoyed me. I didn't have control over my own body or emotions. I wanted to cry in someone's arms and tell them how I felt. I wanted them to understand what I felt and maybe even relate to what I felt. No one could do that. No one has the pain I do. The chances that someone else's parents got murdered and they saw it happen are little to none. Why does no one relate to me? Am I really that different?

Therapist after therapist. All they did is give me medicine but what if I didn't need medicine. What if I just wanted to talk? What if I just wanted someone to care? 

I wanted to know that someone was listening. I wanted to know that someone cared. I wanted someone to hold me and... I wanted them to tell me they cared, not about my problems... about me. It sounds stupid but I needed that. I didn't need medication. I needed... love. 

It's all so stupid! I hate it! I never believed in love. Never. But maybe I need it. Maybe I want confirmation. Maybe I just want someone to tell me how much they care. About me, my problems, my past and my future. I want someone to ask me how I feel. I want everyone to know how their words have affected me. I want them to know how much they broke me. Piece by piece, word by word. 

I had started crying again and I didn't even realise it. I was used to it. The feeling of tears was normal to me. It felt amazing. It felt like I was letting all of my thoughts out. I felt normal. 

Before I could wipe my tears, Noah walked in. Luckily, I wasn't having one of my 'episodes'. 

Noah's POV:

I walked to Dixie's room to try and sort things out. I couldn't just leave during arguments and pretend nothing happened. I always tried to find a solution because I knew that it would be brought up again.

Surprisingly, her door was wide open. I reached the doorway and planned to knock but I saw her laying on her bed. I assumed she was asleep but I heard soft cries. 

I hated seeing anyone cry but seeing her cry was worse. I knew that I was the reason she cried. I knew that I bought her more pain than she needed, more than she could handle.

I wanted to do something. I wanted to help her but I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if she wanted my help.

I decided to do something that I would regret later. I walked over to her bed, by now she was already sitting up. I went up to her and hugged her. 

She didn't pull away. She didn't tell me not to. Instead, she hugged me back and cried on my shoulder. It wasn't just tears now. She was shaking and a waterfall of tears fell down her face. She let herself fall into my arms. I knew this was my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have done this. Maybe this wasn't what she would've wanted. Maybe she would be better off without me. 

I put my hand on her back and tried to think of what to do next. I didn't know. I had never hugged anyone. I was never affectionate because I had no one to love. My mom was never there, and my dad was a cold-blooded killer. Who was I supposed to care for anyway? My dad didn't care about his life, and he made that clear. You can't help someone who doesn't care.

I couldn't believe what I just did. I ruined everything once again. She was going to hate me. She should hate me. What good have I done for her? Nothing. 

I didn't know how far I was going. I didn't know how far I should go. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. 

''I- I should leave'', I whispered before trying to let go of her.

''Please don't. I need you.'', she said between sobs. 

I didn't know what she meant. She didn't need me. She was just saying it in the heat of the moment. 

''No Dixie, you'll regret it later.'', I said slowly letting go of her. 

''NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ME'', she yelled in frustration before putting her head into the pillow and squeezing it.

Her hands were trembling and her face was red. It never occurred to me that she wanted someone to be there. I always thought people who have been through trauma wanted to be left alone. But what if they wanted to be loved. What if Dixie needed someone to show her that she mattered? What if she just wanted someone to understand?

At that moment I knew I couldn't turn back. I needed to stay there. I needed to be here for her.

I sat beside her on her bed, ''I don't want to make you uncomfortable, tell me if it's too much'', with that I took her back into my arms. It was a weird feeling. I didn't know if this hug meant something. I didn't know if I was just a teddy bear or if me doing this meant something to her. She squeezed me tightly as a way of letting her emotions out. I wanted to tell her something. I wanted to re-assure her but nothing came out. I didn't know if she wanted me to talk or if she just wanted me to sit there. 

''I'm sorry'', I said after much contemplation.

She looked up at me with her tear-filled eyes. 

I didn't see her as a person who lost everything. I saw her as a strong person who handled her worst nightmare better than anyone could. Someone who found a purpose after loosing it over and over again. Someone who kept their cool in the worst moments. She was the only person I knew that wouldn't make the worst decisions in the worst times. The one person who wasn't afraid to show their true self. The one person who had a smile on their face even when their life was an actual nightmare.

Finally, she said, ''Why? It's not your fault. You are just fixing your dad's mistakes. None of this is your fault.''

I looked down trying to hide the tears that were starting to form. Trying to hide the relief. It didn't go un-noticed though, she lifted my face up gently and whispered ''Thank you for caring'', before I could respond she gave me a soft kiss on my cheek. 

What just happened?

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I love ending the story at a good part and not updating for a week 🤪. We have mid-term break this week and I'm excited. Also, I did really good in the maths exam :)

Word Count: 1170