« am i in your mind? sometimes? »
« i'd lie if i said it was jus' sometimes. »
in which lulu jenson has to handle
a bunch of shit and finds herself
looking for comfort in fezco.
[EUP...
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ZAHIA'S INSOMNIA
Zahia had refused to sleep in Ashtray's bed, even after he had almost pleaded with her to take his place, at least for the first night. But she was stubborn and had taken the convertible fireside chair that was comfortably set between Ashtray's bed and the window. She had turned her phone off, knowing all too well that if she stared at her screen with the hopes of falling asleep in front of random videos on YouTube, she would still be wide awake when the first signs of dawn would pierce through the window.
Sleep had always been torturous for the young teenager as she started experiencing night terrors and panick attacks at a very young age. At first, she would slide under the bedsheets of her parents' room, finding comfort in her mother's arms. She wouldn't sleep much but, at least, she didn't remember her dreams.
But, slowly, her parents' relationship started worsening and she didn't even have the courage to go to them to calm down, since they were a new source of anxiety for her.
So, every night, when the sun had set to give some room for the light of the moon to take over, Zahia would dread the endless hours that would lead to a new excruciating day. And every night was the same ritual. Zahia would text with her friends for as long as possible, her heart sinking in her chest whenever her phone stopped buzzing with notifications, reminding her that she couldn't peacefully reach the arms of Morpheus, no matter how hard she tried.
She cried a lot under the covers of her bed, she cried because time never felt as long and painful as when she was all alone in her room at night. She cried because of the unbearable pressure that would settle on her chest for no logical reason, this pressure that would cause her breaths to quicken, until she breathed so fast that it felt like she wasn't breathing at all.
Eventually, Zahia got some help and spent a couple of months in a hospital to take care of her mental health. When she came back home, she was following strict medication, mainly to help her sleep and calm her anxiety, and had therapy sessions three times a week. Until she didn't need pills anymore.
But, now, here she was, in Fezco and Ashtray's house, trying to fall asleep in a bedroom she had spent a lot of moments during the daytime, appreciating every second. Yet, as she let her eyes wander out the window, gazing at the stars and moon, she couldn't help but feel like she was an intruder who didn't need to bring any of her problems into an already burdened home.
Whenever the sun was out of the picture, Zahia couldn't stop the negativeness from spinning and buzzing in her brain. And, just like that, the memory of her older sister covered in blood and unconscious started appearing when she closed her eyes. She felt her entire body tensing up and her breaths halting for a second, followed shortly by increasing frantically.
She got up as carefully as possible, tiptoeing out of the bedroom, too terrified at the idea of awakening Ashtray, and went into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. She strongly bit her lower lip, trying to control her breathing that was a bit too fast-paced for her taste.
Ever since their mother had abandoned them, Zahia had started experiencing some anxiety and sleeping problems again —but never quite to the extent of what she had to go through a few years back. However, what she had witnessed that night, seeing her sister like this, seeing the only family she had left being so hurt, had triggered something in her.
Something she was scared would make her spiral down the abyss of pain once again.
Slowly, the pain turned into anger. Anger at their mom who was the cause of what the two sisters were forced to go through. Zahia was well aware of all the things Lulu had to do to keep them together, she knew about the sacrifices and all the hours doing things that their parents should be doing.
And it was tearing her apart to realize that their parents were the ones who had destroyed everything around them so selfishly, never once thinking about the impact it would have on the two people they had literally brought to life.
Ten minutes later, and now convinced that she wouldn't fall asleep at all, she quietly made her way back to Ashtray's room, finding him sitting up and ready to get out of his bed.
Zahia stopped dead in her tracks, "Did I wake you up? Oh shit, I'm so sorry..."
"Nah, I couldn' sleep," Ashtray replied, "You're okay?"
Zahia shrugged, letting out a long sigh before lazily sitting down on the small mattress that was now her temporary bed, "If you wanna sleep, you shouldn't talk to me 'cause you're not gonna get any if you do."
Zahia looked at him to notice him being confused, "Insomnia and everything."
"That shit's back?" he asked with a hint of fear in his voice.
"Yeah..." Zahia confessed, "But... just, just go to sleep. I'm used to it."
And, even though Zahia was blankly staring at the dresser in front of her, she could feel Ashtray's intense gaze on her and she gulped, feeling her cheeks burning up.
She finally gathered the courage to meet up his gaze, "What?"
"You're used to what?" Ashtray asked, "Not sleeping or what happened to Lulu?"
Zahia's face contorted into a pained expression, letting out a shaky breath, "That was fuckin' scary, Ash..." and she turned around, her back facing him, as she silently started sobbing with her head on her knees.
Even though Ashtray would never admit it, he felt his heart twisting in pain in his chest and had to control himself not to engulf her in his arms. He didn't really know how to show his affection to people —probably because he didn't really appreciate anyone besides Fezco and the two sisters, and he sure as hell felt weird thinking of ways to show his affection.
But seeing Zahia like this was truly painful to him so he got out of bed and sat down next to her, awkwardly glancing at her as he tried to think of something to do, or even to say, that would lighten the mood a little.
He started slowly panicking on the inside, hating himself for being so weird even around the people he appreciated truthfully, and Zahia started to notice the way Ashtray would slightly move, as if he wanted to do or say something but couldn't actually do it.
His frantic behavior had unconsciously ended Zahia's sobs and she wiped the tears away, looking at him funnily, "What're you trying to do?"
Ashtray gulped, looking away, "Ion know..."
And it was now his turn to feel Zahia's piercing gaze on him, making him look at her. The eye contact was stealthy but time stopped for a second for both of them.
"C-Can I have a hug?" Zahia asked boldly.
Ashtray had to restrain a small gasp but he nodded as Zahia lunged herself in his arms immediately, releasing a long breath in the warmth of his embrace.
That was when the weight on Zahia's chest was lifted and they remained like this for a little while, until they decided to spend the rest of the night watching movies until they both fell asleep.
... ... ...
AUTHOR'S NOTE, okayyyyy so no lulu, no fezco in this chapter because i really wanted to focus on zahia's mental health after what just happened to her sister. that was also a way for me to give you a bit more of a background story on zahia because i REALLY love writing about her i really hope you guys liked this chapter, I'm really looking forward to reading all of your comments!!
