Ain't No Mountain High Enough

"Holding Out for A Hero"

TW: Anxiety 

Arjun was silent until we started to drive away from the old apartment building. "I'm sorry," was all he said. I wasn't sure what he was specifically sorry for, but whatever it was, it wasn't his fault.

I leaned against the window and tried to hide the fact that I was crying from him. As far as bad ideas went, the one to track down my mother and come see her had to be the worst one I've ever entertained. I knew it would be painful, but I hadn't expected it to be like this. I didn't expect her to not want to see me at all.

As we went down the highway, my hands began to shake. A strangely familiar feeling started as a cold, lightheaded feeling in my head, then traveled down the rest of my body until I was dizzy and trembling. I sat up straight, and as my heart began to pound, I thought, Yep, too much stress. I must be having a heart attack now or something. The thought didn't make me feel better.

We were on a highway with tons of other cars, all going eighty miles an hour at least. Arjun had his eyes glued to the road, but I could at least tell he was calm. What was wrong with me?

The next thing I knew, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think straight. Nausea slammed against me like a wave. All I could think, over and over, was that I was going to die. One of these cars would smash us to bits. At last, Arjun looked at me.

"Randall?" he said. I had never heard worry like that in his voice. "You're not okay."

Even though I could pick up the worry in his tone, he sounded muffled and far away. I felt like I was losing my mind. It had to be the only explanation. I was finally cracking under all the pressure, and I would go mad!

For the life of me, I honestly can't remember what happened over the next few minutes. I was struggling against the feeling of drowning, trying my hardest to breathe. More than anything, I wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted to go back to living in my apartment with Keto and Veronica, without my wheelchair. No...I wanted to go further back than that. I wanted to be like I was in that ornament picture, with my parents, back when they were happy. More than anything, I wanted to just have a normal life.

Arjun's hand on my shoulder brought me out of the weird trance. "Randall, listen to me," he said. He was holding out a bottle of water.

I was still trembling, and the drowning sensation was still there, but I was finally aware that we had gotten off of the highway, and we were pulled into the parking lot of a McDonald's. It hit me then what had happened. I had had panic attacks before, but never one like that.

"Here," Arjun said as I took the bottled water from him with a shaking hand.

"I-I'm sorry," I choked out. My mouth was dry as dust. I tried to unscrew the lid, but when I took too long, Arjun did it for me.

"No need to be sorry," Arjun said with a small shrug as he unscrewed the lid from the bottle. He gave it back to me, and I took a long drink from it.

"We aren't...we aren't close to home, are we?" I asked as I leaned back in my seat.

Arjun sighed. "Another two hours or so and we'll be there," he said. He paused, then said, "We can take a lot of breaks if you need to."

I nodded, then took the lid from him and screwed it back on the water bottle. "I-I'm okay now," I lied. My heart was still pounding, and now I was feeling faint. Maybe it would be best if I just passed out. Arjun could drive back home in peace.

"I'll do what needs to be done," Arjun said after a moment. "I'm off of work for today anyway, so it's not like we have someplace to be."

"Going to see her was a bad idea," I blurted out. I hated myself for the look on Arjun's face. After all, alongside his mom and grandfather, he encouraged me to find my Mom.

He crossed his arms over the steering wheel and leaned his forehead against them. "I'm sorry about this," he said with a deep sigh. "Knowing how it was when I tracked my father down, I should have known it probably wouldn't be that different for you." He shrugged. "I should have known better."

"It's not your fault she doesn't want to see me," I said. Besides, my panic attack was probably caused by being in the car. I had felt on the verge of panic before we ever got to my mother's apartment.

Arjun studied me for a moment, then looked away. "Have...have you considered going to therapy?"

Like a flash of lightning, the memory of my doctor handing me a card with the name and phone number of a therapist came to my mind. I had almost forgotten about it. But just as when I had first gotten recommended to a therapist, I still didn't have the courage to go. In fact, I probably had even less courage now. The last thing I wanted to do was pour out my struggles to a complete stranger.

"No," I told him. "I'll...I'm fine. Today was just obviously a bad day." I gave him a pointed look. "Let's just forget about it and go home."

He didn't look convinced, but he pulled out of the parking lot to get back on the highway.

Gripping my water bottle, I leaned back in my chair and squeezed my eyes shut. I was sure this was about to be the longest two hours of my life.

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Listen to Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out for a Hero"!

Peace✌️~ A.J.