Ain't No Mountain High Enough

"Dance Into The Light"

TW: Abuse, anxiety

Charlotte studied me with the most critical set of eyes I had ever seen, and it really didn't help how nervous I was. I kept trying to find something to say, but how were you supposed to start a conversation like the one we were about to have?

Finally, Charlotte spoke for me. She glanced down at her notepad and said, "I was told you were in a car accident."

I swallowed hard. "Y-yes, ma'am..." I took a deep breath to steady myself and wrung my hands in my lap.

Charlotte tilted her head. "When did it happen?"

"Last September," I said. "I've been in a wheelchair ever since. But all this bad stuff kept happening, and...I guess a lot of the bad stuff was my fault."

"How so?"

I blinked, trying to gather my thoughts. "Um...well, I couldn't work anymore, so we weren't able to pay for the apartment like we used to...I mean, my friends and I. So we got evicted. I moved in with a close friend, but...I feel like such a burden to them." I couldn't make myself talk about everything that happened with Valerie. I especially didn't want to bring up the things Stephen said about me. Not yet, anyway. It was hard enough trying to process that once my memories had started to return.

"Most, if not all, people in your situation would feel like a burden to their friends and family," Charlotte said. "Tell me more. What is your family like?"

My family was a touchy subject too, but somehow the words just started pouring out of my mouth, and before I knew it, I was telling her everything about my mother. How she left me, how she didn't want to see me anymore. I told her about my father's death. I told her things I thought I had forgotten, things I would have died before telling anyone else. Like the verbal abuse I would get from my father. How my mother would beat me whenever I messed things up for her.

I felt like an idiot to cry, but by the end of the session, I couldn't stop.

~ ~ ~

I was surprised that I felt a little lighter now that I had spilled my guts to Charlotte. She listened intently to everything I said, took notes, and helped me navigate my feelings. She didn't judge me for the things I had done, or for crying. I felt heard for the first time in my life. As soon as the session was over, I made another appointment for the following week.

My eyes were red and swollen when Arjun brought me home, but neither he or Ms. Harlow commented on it. Ms. Harlow just hugged me and said she would make my favorite for dinner. I still wasn't that hungry, but I thought I'd humor her by acting excited. Forcing myself to eat was the only thing keeping me from wasting away, even though sometimes I still couldn't keep food down.

Right before dinner was ready, I caught Arjun pulling on his jacket on my way to the kitchen. "Where are you going?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "Dinner's almost ready."

Arjun glanced up with a sheepish expression, but the guilty look was quickly replaced by his usual blank expression. "Work," he muttered. "I'm taking over someone's shift. Don't tell Mom, okay? She'd just get on to me about working too hard and I don't feel like listening to a lecture." He gave me a look, then headed out the front door.

I didn't know whether to believe him or not, but I didn't tell Ms. Harlow. When she asked where he was as we gathered at the kitchen table, I just said he went out for something, and that he'd be back soon. She didn't say another word about it, but I could tell she was worried. I couldn't blame her. And with everything that was going on with him, I knew he wasn't going to work. But where else would he be going?

"How was the session today?" Ms. Harlow asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Oh," I said. I paused as I tried to think about the session. I didn't really want to talk about it, so I just said, "It was fine. I'm going back next week."

"I hope it helps you," she said before taking a bite of the roast she made. "And...you know you can always talk to me, too?"

I smiled at her. "I know...I just don't think you want to hear about my troubles. You've probably got enough of your own."

Ms Harlow shook her head. "I want to do whatever helps you, Randall." She set her fork down and clasped her hands, a distant look in her eyes. "When...when I had Arjun...I felt so alone. His father disappeared when I told him I was pregnant, and...well, my parents were still trying to reconcile themselves to the fact that their unmarried, seventeen-year-old daughter was having a baby. I went to live with my aunt for a few months, but even she was a little distant.

"I would have given anything to have someone listen to me...to how I felt. I don't want you to feel like you don't have anyone to talk to, Randall. Maybe your mother walked out on you, but I love you like you're my own son. And Arjun cares about you too. You have many people who want to help you, and who love you."

I stared down at my plate. I thought I had cried all my tears out at the therapy session, but my eyes began to sting. "Thank you," I said quietly. "I know you care about me. That's...why I want to get better...so I can be better." I looked up to see Ms. Harlow smiling.

"And we want to help you get better in any way we can," she said. "Just say the word. I'm always here for you."

I nodded, unable to speak. It struck me then that I was an extremely lucky guy, despite everything that had happened to me. Maybe my father was dead, and my mother didn't want me. Maybe I was paralyzed. But I had many people to lean on. A lot of people didn't even have that.

For the first time in a while, I knew things were going to get better.

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Listen to "Dance Into The Light" by Phil Collins!

Peace✌️~ A.J.