Ain't No Mountain High Enough

"Message in a Bottle"

TW: Anxiety

Days went by, and I stopped coming out of my room. I couldn't make myself eat, because when I did, I just threw it back up. When I slept, I was always waking up with nightmares. It didn't matter whether it was my mother beating me, or the car smashing into me; I always woke up unable to breathe.

I had a doctor's appointment, the first one in a while. Doctor Phillips took notice of how thin I was, but I didn't tell him what was going on. That I didn't have an appetite anymore, or that I couldn't keep food down anyway. I didn't tell him I didn't sleep anymore, or that I was thinking that maybe life would be easier on everyone if I just died in that car accident, like Stephen wanted.

If I had died in that accident, Keto and Veronica wouldn't have felt so burdened. I wouldn't have had to intrude on Arjun's and Ms. Harlow's life. Valerie could have been with Stephen with no lingering feelings for me that would cause her to cheat on him, like she did at her goodbye party. That trip to my mother's house wouldn't have ever happened, and she could have just forgotten about me.

All in all, I knew I was just making everything harder for everyone. But I didn't tell Doctor Phillips about that.

When Arjun brought me home from my appointment, I couldn't breathe. I was thinking about the way that BMW had skidded in the rain. The way it had smashed into Leon and totaled us both. It's what brought me here. But then again, maybe this was something that had started way back, when my dad died. Maybe it even started before then.

"I'm going to take Mom out to eat for lunch before her shift," Arjun said as we went inside. "Want to come?"

My mind was in overdrive. I wanted to tell him everything I was feeling. But I bit my tongue and shook my head. "I think I'm going to try and get some sleep," I said. It wasn't a lie, I guess.

"That's probably a good idea," he said as he shut the front door. "You've been looking tired lately."

He helped me out of my wheelchair and into bed. I told him goodbye, and he shut the door. I tried to sleep, but as usual, I was tormented by my thoughts. My stomach was hurting, my head was pounding. I started to shake uncontrollably, like I always did when the anxiety came around. But this was different somehow. I don't know how, but it was. All I could feel was this horrible doom, especially when I heard Arjun's car pull out of the driveway from outside. I was alone here, and perhaps that was the scariest thought of all.

I don't remember that day very well. It's all foggy in my mind, and sometimes I think that may be for the best. Once Arjun and his mother left, I tried my hardest to get some rest. I kept thinking of how badly I wanted to turn my life around, and forget about what Stephen said about me. I wanted to forget it all.

I remember how fuzzy my mind became, like it did whenever I was drunk. Maybe I finally lost it then. I know I was angry. I grabbed the nearest thing I could, which happened to be a vase on the nightstand, and hurled it across the room. I heard it smash into a thousand pieces. The sound echoed in my head with the rest of my thoughts.

I remember willing every ounce of strength I had left into my legs, hoping and praying that maybe some miracle would take place, and I could walk again. I forced myself out of bed. I was crying, begging for my legs to work. I feel like an idiot for it looking back on my foggy memories, but I think I was at my wit's end.

The miracle of walking again didn't take place. I only succeeded in falling and making matters worse for myself and for everyone else. But a guy can look on the bright side, I guess. I think a different sort of miracle happened after that.

I can't remember anything more about that day. It all goes black after that. I just remember thinking, over and over, that I should have taken Doctor Phillip's advice to go see a therapist.

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Listen to "Message in a Bottle" by The Police!

Peace✌️~ A.J.