Leave What Was Found

29: Onwards

On Monday, Avery had her first day of semi-normal classes. She was still in the horrid schedule she was in last semester, but now she did not have to meet with Merriwether on Saturday nor was she struggling as much. It was good the coursework no longer took so much out of her because everything else certainly was. Avery missed how easy it was during break. How she would get to spend the days with people who treated her kindly and made each day worth living. How she would spend nights sneaking into Julian's room and getting to sleep in his arms that held her so protectively. Avery had to remind herself there were still people who cared about her. She had made a new list when she couldn't find the old one, it must have gotten lost in the shuffle of her things being thrown around. Avery took out a clean sheet of paper and in no particular order wrote:

Dad

Chelsey

Julian

Emmet

Merriwether

Coach

Meredith

Cole

Brady

Doctor Hopkins

Avery repeated the names throughout the morning. When she saw girls whispering and pointing at her during breakfast, she repeated the names in her head over and over until the usual overwhelming misery passed. When she felt herself getting lost in Chemistry, she repeated the names once more. Somehow, it made the day less painful when she reminded herself there were still good things in her life, although she suspected a healthy mind did not need the reminder. Avery brought all of this up at her therapy session and Doctor Hopkins seemed surprised by the revelation.

"It's awfully brave of you to admit how you feel," she said.

Avery shrugged. "You always knew how I felt, you were just waiting for me to figure it out myself."

"While that may be true, it's still a big step to admit it," Doctor Hopkins pointed out.

Avery did not agree but let her continue anyway.

"While it's not completely typical to need a reminder that there are good people in your life, I think it might be exactly what you need. Avery, reminding yourself of the good things in your life gives you something to fight for."

"I'm tired of fighting," Avery admitted. "I'm tired of crying over people I've lost."

"Is that why you can't move on?" Doctor Hopkins asked. "Because you've equated your sorrow with honoring your father?"

Avery's eyebrows furrowed. "What does that mean?"

"You cry or at least feel sad when you think of your father, right?"

Avery nodded.

"So now that you don't, you feel like a bad daughter for not being sad he is gone."

Avery was surprised how accurate Doctor Hopkins was.

"Yeah," Avery admitted. "I know people always say, 'he would want you to be happy' or whatever but I can't help but feel guilty every time I have any ounce of happiness because I shouldn't be happy when he's not here."

Doctor Hopkins put down her pen and notepad.

"Avery, I think you're seeing this wrong, emotions aren't so black and white and your father knew this. Your happiness should not feel wrong, you don't have to be happy he is gone, no one should ever make you feel like that; however, you are allowed to be happy about other things. You are allowed to chase that feeling."