Wangxian - The Road Not Taken

22. Fighting Chance

Previously:

We met the healer after A-Yang rushed me to her after I collapsed. She was none other than Wen Qing, and Wen Ning was there with her too. We did some catching up. Then Qing-jie told me I was having twins. I was ecstatic but full of dread because of her demeanor, which worried me causing difficulty in my breathing. And then she dropped the bomb that one of my babies is dying. and my options are either go on the term knowing my baby will die before birth or abort the baby before itself.

......

This can't be happening. Not now when everything was going so well and we had so much to anticipate for in the future. Finally I had begin to accept that I am not a big mess up and do deserve some miracles and happiness.

This has started bringing up old doubts yet again. I ruin everything I touch quite the opposite of King Midas. I am such an abomination.

I had one job that also I could not do well. Just had to take care of precious lives.

If only I had remained dead. If only I didn't poke my nose and went about going and searching the trust for some form of justice. If only after resurrection I had just gone and hidden from everyone. If only I hadn't tried to reason with the stubborn greedy cultivators. If only I had not debated and offered solution and help in my ruined home . If only I had not been .....me.

I feel like such a failure. again. I messed up everything again.

Failure. Such a failure at being a parent before my babies even before they got a chance to get a glimpse of this world. I scoff at myself and once I had been so idealistic and had gone about helping anyone and everyone. To uphold justice. To save and protect everyone who need.  And look here I could not even protect most angelic pure vulnerable innocent souls.

And for Jie to ask that horrifying question. I can't just can't even wrap my head around it. How can I ? What is worse carrying a still baby in my womb caring for them knowing they will never breathe life or remove them as they could potentially cause harm to my other baby.

Will I never be able to hold my babies?

But how can I even consider it? How can I not give my baby even a fighting chance? How can I abandon them? They deserve better. They deserve the best. Even if...No I refuse to acknowledge that possibility. Nothing will happen to my baby.

Feeling the walls closing in on me I gasp trying to get air in my lungs. Dark spots danced in my vision. Mocking me. I could faintly hear someone calling my name.

The voice became clearer and guided me though the process of gaining the lost oxygen that my body needs. My vision clears and I see the worried faces of my family. I try to smile to reassure them but it comes off as a grimace.

I croak out, "Jie how can you think I would abandon?"

She spoke softly, "I know A-Ying you would never abandon your kids. In fact you would do anything in your power and beyond for them."

I ask, " Then why?"

"I just wanted you to know of the possibilities and how grave the situation was." She answers, rubbing my back in soothing motions. I relax into her touch, craving comfort "And you forget an important thing like always A-Ying."

I look at her in confusion, "What jiejie?"

"Us, my self sacrificing, and self burdening didi. You forget that you are not alone. You do not have to do everything alone. We are there for you, for the babies, for each other."

With a sheen of tears in my eyes, I give her a trembling smile, "I am so grateful to have this family. This fighting chance." I take a pause and deep breath then ask "So, what should we do? How can we help the babies?"