perfectly wrong | ethma

twenty seven

"how are you?" emily says as she enters the living room with popcorn. "like, really."

i'm sharing a blanket with riley on the couch. cassie and emily made a pallet on the floor that they're sharing. it's girls night which means ethan will inevitably come up.

i haven't told them what happened earlier today. grayson called riley after my breakdown and was very vague as to why i needed a 'girls night.'

it was nearly midnight and i made it this far without talking about it but riley kept eyeing me.

i take a deep breath in and smile. "i'm fine. ready to start over."

that was the truth to an extent.

"really?" riley looks at me like she doesn't believe a word in saying.

i look at her and try my best to convince her everything is okay. "yes," i smile. "i mean i'm not all the way better, but i'm better than i was."

"that's really good, em. i'm glad." cassie smiles as she puts her hair up in a bun.

riley doesn't say anything further.

"have you heard from..." emily hesitates saying his name. "him." she decides to substitute it for something different. something more vague.

"i just want to watch the movie and not think about him, okay? please?" i curl up in the blanket.

"yeah, sure," emily sits down and passes cassie the popcorn. "whatever you want."

"yeah," cassie pats my leg. "we don't have to talk about him. i know it's probably really hard."

the movie starts and riley gets up off the couch. she said nothing but i know she wants me to follow her. i've known riley forever and i know when her vibe is off. and it's definitely off right now.

"we'll be right back. you don't have to pause it." i say as i follow riley.

"you've talked to him." she says as a statement when we enter the kitchen.

"it doesn't matter," i cross my arms. "i don't want to think about it, okay. i can't think about it. it hurts."

"em," she says leaning against the counter. "balling it all up isn't going to help anything."

"i'm not," i shake my head. "trust me." my mind flashes to my full breakdown that lead me to basically blackout.

"what happened?" she presses. "i'm worried about you. all of this was so intense. you guys were so intense."

"he came over. he apologized. he said he loves me and he doesn't deserve me. told me he's going to duke. we cried it out. he left. i broke down and now you're all caught up." i ramble.

"duke?" she raises her eyebrows. "that's... far."

i nod and press my lips together. "ya, i'm aware."

"is that okay with you?" she tilts her head.

i fight back tears. i don't want to lie to her.

"no," i shake my head. "i thought it would be, but it's like really not okay with me. i didn't even realize that until he said it so... that's that."

she stares at me with the saddest eyes. "em,"

"i think a big part of me subconsciously wanted him to choose stanford. we could live out the awkward sequels you read about where they end up partners in the same class or live in the same dorms on campus or something." i keep going on and on. "but, he's going to be across the country and i'm here."