perfectly wrong | ethma

twenty one

the funeral is tomorrow morning. it's been two days since ethan has said anything to him. i haven't called or texted since he declared he wanted space from me.

"hey?" my mom knocks at my door. "are you okay?"

i nod. "yeah, i'm fine." i say standing from my closet. i'm trying to find something to wear for tomorrow. "why wouldn't i be?"

"em," she says sweetly. "i know sean was like another father to you. hell, those dolans are your family too, so i know you must be taking it hard."

i freeze, tears form in my eyes. "i'm fine." my voice breaks. i take a deep breath in and blow it out. "i have to be strong for them."

she looks around my room. "i don't see them around," she says. she walks closer to me and leans against my closet door. "you have no one to be strong for right now."

"mommy," i cry out. "i can't do this. i can't." i cover my face. i walk around my room panting. "lisa wants me to speak tomorrow and i just can't bring myself to do it. what do i even say? how am i supposed to keep it together?" i sob.

"you say what you need to say," she rubs my back. "do this for kids, cam, grayson.." she trails off. "and do it for ethan. they need your words of comfort."

i back away. "i don't think ethan needs me at all right now." i say quietly, wiping the tears from my eyes. "he doesn't even want me near him."

"em," she tilts her head. "he needs you now more than ever. don't let him push you away."

"i'm trying!" i shout. "he's so stubborn and won't let me care for him." i sit on my bed. "i don't know what to do."

she moves the hair from my face. "you keep trying, okay? you don't give up."

she sits up from my bed. "okay," she claps her hands together. "i'm going to make something to eat, you want anything?"

i shake my head as i lay down. i've slept four hours total these past five days, so i need a good nap.

—

the funeral home is empty because i'm so early. i'm helping get everything in place. make sure the flowers are perfectly placed along with the chairs and pictures.

"maybe you should take a break," the funeral director urges. i think i was getting a little out of hand. i didn't care.

"no," i snap. "everything must be perfect for the dolans. they deserve to say goodbye in the best way possible."

"emma?" i hear a familiar deep voice.

i turn my head to see grayson standing there in his suit. his eyes are puffy and he looks exhausted.

"gray, hi!" i give him my best smile. i hold back the sobs that want to escape my mouth. "just making sure everything is going perfectly."

"are you okay?" he asks inching closer. he observes my face closely. "i haven't seen you around."

"ethan said he needed space, so-" my voice breaks and i look to the floor. "so i gave him plenty of space." i move a loose piece of hair from my face.

grayson gives me a worried, sympathetic look.

i shrug. "it's fine. i understand."

"emma, i know my dad meant a lot to you too. we basically all grew up together." his voice breaks up a little bit. "in a way, you lost your father too. and i'm so sorry.." he trails off. tears form in his eyes and he looks away for a second.

"you've been so busy trying to be there for everyone else that we've all neglected to ask if you're okay." his voice breaks as he comes closer.

"grayson," tears run down my face. "thank you." i wrap my arms around his torso and bury my face into his chest.

"i love you, em." he rubs my back. "i'm always here for you no matter what happens between you and ethan."

"i love you too, gray." i pull away. i look into his eyes and i can still see that he has hope that everything will be okay.

"emma," i hear his voice. i look past grayson and i see ethan standing there. i wish he was wearing a suit under better circumstances because he looks amazing.

"ethan," my heart beats out of my chest. i've never been so incredibly happy to see someone, i couldn't help myself.

i ran over to him and into his arms. i wrap my arms around his neck and i've never felt so safe in my entire life. his arms wrap around my waist and his face goes into my neck.

i pull away quickly. "i'm sorry, i know you need some space and that was obviously not giving you space but i just.. i missed you and-"

"shut up," he says and pulls me in. his lips touched mine and my mind, heart, and body went wild. he pulls away for a quick second. "i missed you too."

"yeah, me too." i hear a more feminine voice.

i smile as i see lisa approaching. i run into her arms. "lisa, i missed you more," i whisper. "don't let ethan know i said that."

she giggles and pulls away.

"i heard that," ethan chuckles.

"oh you know i love-" i start to joke and i stop myself again.

ethan raises his eyebrows and i close my mouth. now is not the right time.

"do you see where they're putting the pictures? ridiculous!" i distract them. "you guys go take time for yourselves, i'll fix all of this."

"em," ethan begins.

"i'll fix it," i say and walk away.

"em!" he calls out my name.

i turn around. "i'll find you later, okay? yeah, bye."

i can't help how i feel, but now just isn't the right time to tell him. what if he doesn't feel the same and then he has to deal with that? i couldn't do that to him.