perfectly wrong | ethma

twenty two

a/n your comments truly make my day & motivate me to keep going with this story. thank you !!

lisa insisted that i sat next to her during the funeral. my leg bounced up and down and i felt like i could puke. i had the paper with all my thoughts on it to read to the room crumbled in my hand.

how am i supposed to do this? can i even do this? i have to. they need to hear it.

"emma?" lisa snaps me out of it. i take a deep breath in, startled. the room was looking at me and i realized the preacher called my name.

"sorry," i mumble. i get up, smoothing out my dress and my weak legs carry me to the front.

i lean against the podium for support and sprawl the paper across the surface. i begin to read the first line in my head. i look up at all the sad faces staring at me.

"hi," i clear my throat. "i'm emma and for everyone who doesn't know, i grew up with the dolans. they are my family, so sean really felt like a second father to me." i move a piece of hair behind my face and tick it behind my ear. i can feel the lump forming in my throat already.

tears fill my eyes and i look away. ethan was right by my side, rubbing my shoulders. "i'm so sorry," i tell him. i look out to the crowd. "i can't do this. i can't.."

he nods, understanding. "okay, let's sit down."

"e," i whisper. "but i have to do this."

he shakes his head, a smile forming. "you don't have to do anything, you've done so much for us already."

i ignore him and lean back against the podium. "nothing in this world makes any sense. that's the beauty and horror of this place. it always keeps up wondering about.." i blink away tears. "about what would happen if things were different? i know i've lost sleep over wondering that many times."

"it's out of our control. the only thing we can control is our actions and how we react to all these things life throws at us. and everything that is thrown our way makes us who we are. it makes us stronger each time we get knocked down a little bit." i take in a deep breath and scan the crowd. many people were nodding this heads in agreement.

"every memory i have of sean is a good one, so it's really hard to pick out certain ones to speak of, but this one i have is something i've thought of every single day." i smile fondly. "my family had these monthly beach days with the dolans when we were in elementary school. i remember that a boy had knocked my sand castle down and kicked sand in my face. the first person i wanted to go to was sean and lisa. sean didn't sit me down and tell me the boy was mean to me because he liked me and i admired that about him. it showed how well he raised his own boys. he bought me ice cream and we built an even bigger and better sand castle. he let me have emotions and never belittled them. he was kind, caring, genuine, and helped shape me into the person i am right now."

i close my eyes and breathe in and out. "i miss him.. like, a lot." my voice breaks. "but i'm grateful that he raised his children so well because i see a little bit of sean in all of them and lisa.." i look over at her. "i feel the love from you. the same love i felt from sean. thank you for welcoming me in with open arms and taking a chance on the new girl in your neighborhood. his memory lives on forever within your family. thank you everyone for coming out today to celebrate him, he would have loved to see all of you."

ethan carefully walks me back to my seat that's next to him. he didn't leave my side, not once. he wipes away his tears as we sat down. i lean my head on his shoulder and he holds me close.

"i love you, emma." he whispers in my ear just loud enough for me to hear.

"w-" i pick my head up. "what did you say?"

my entire body urged me to jump up and down. i got that feeling in my stomach. millions of butterflies flutter around in there.

he smiles lightly. "i know it's probably not the right time, but i do. i love you." he says so softly i could melt.

"i love you too. i've been wanting to say it for so long, but i just didn't know the right time." i say and lay my head back on his shoulder. he squeezes my hand and i feel another hand touch me.

i look over and see lisa smiling with tears in her eyes. her eyes are puffy from crying already. "thank you," she manages to get out. "thank you for.. everything. thank you."

i take my head off of ethans shoulder and wrap my arms around her. "always," i hold her tighter. "whatever you need, anytime."

she hugs me tightly and i can feel her take in a deep breath. "i'm so glad you and ethan finally found your way to one another."

i nod my head. "yeah," i whisper. "i am too."

ethan holds my hand. he picks up my hand and places a gentle kiss on top.

—

the day went as well as it could considering the circumstances. everyone started leaving the cemetery one by one and it was me and the dolans left. i hug each of them as i say goodbye.

"i'll see you back at your house," i say to them.

ethan snaps out of his daze and looks at me. "you're leaving?"

i nod. "i thought i could start setting some stuff up."

"oh, you don't need to do that em.." grayson says.

"emma, you've done so much for us already. i cant have you do this too." lisa says. her voice sounds tired and drained.

"i want to do all these things for you," i shrug. "i don't mind, truly."

lisa nods. "okay," she says softly. "we'll see you back there."

—

i set up the sandwiches and set the drinks in the ice coolers. the dolans opened up their home for those that didn't want to be alone after the funeral. i set out napkins and plates next to it.

i straightened up the living room and cleaned the kitchen. no one in this house has cleaned in about a week; that's understandable though.

i hear a car pull into the driveway. grayson and lisa rush in. i wait for ethan to walk in after them, but he never does.

"is ethan here?" graysons tone is urgent as his eyes dart around.

"uh," i set down the napkins. "no, i thought he stayed with you guys?"

grayson shakes his head as he starts to really panic. "he ran off about five minutes after you left," he explains. "we thought he just got in his car to chill for a second, but he was gone when we went to leave."

i dial his number quickly and listen to the ringing sound against my ear.

"he won't pick up." grayson says.

lisa was searching everywhere.

his voicemail starts playing and i hang up. "no answer."

i send a few texts his way and he doesn't even read them. i call again and this time i leave a voicemail.

"do you have any idea where he would go?" lisa asks as she enters the kitchen again.

i shake my head. "i.. i don't know." i grab my keys and start heading for the door.

"where are you going?" grayson asks.

"i have no idea, but i have to do something." i exit and dial ethans number one more time.

voicemail.

i start my car and begin driving with no destination in mind.