perfectly wrong | ethma

twenty six

it feels weird looking at all these boxes in my room. how can so many memories be taped up in these boxes?

i can feel myself start to get sadder with each box i tape up, but i keep going. it's hard to leave somewhere that's been so kind and comforting to me.

i open up my drawers and start going through my clothes. i hold up each piece of clothing deciding whether or not i want to take it with me or not.

as i'm making my way through the pile i come across a black graphic tee.

ethan's black graphic tee to be exact.

i feel my heart start to shred as i hold it up. do i take it with me? does it stay here? do i give it back? who knew a simple t-shirt would provoke so many questions.

i have a pile of graysons old clothes that he's kept here; i could just put it in that stack. while graysons clothes are comfortable, i didn't want to take them without his permission.

"that's a cute shirt," i hear my mom from the doorway. "looks like something.." she trails off. she hasn't brought him up much. "how's he doing?"

i take a deep breath in and crumble up the shirt. i toss it away, still unsure of what i want to do with it.

"who?" i act dumb.

she tilts her head. "you know who."

"i saw him," i tell her. "at the party a few nights ago."

she nods. it's her way to let me know she's listening.

"it was hard to see him. that's why i came home so early. i just couldn't face him. you know?"

she nods and sits down next to me. she rubs my back lightly to comfort me. she's always done that. such a simple act has always brought extreme comfort all these years. what am i supposed to do without her?

"so," she reaches behind her. she grabs ethan's shirt and holds it up. "what's the verdict on this?"

i feel like that's a loaded question. i feel like answering this 'verdict' would also be asking what's the verdict on ethan and i. am i ready to let go and move on?

i shrug. she looks at me with the most sympathetic eyes as she throws the shirt back to where it was. "honey.." she pulls me in for a hug and i feel tears come to my eyes.

"i don't want to leave you," i cry into her shoulder. "i'm not ready to be away from you. what am i supposed to do?"

"it's just a little over an hour away. it's not that far and you are always welcome here. no need to call ahead because i will always want you to come home. always, emma." she says so gently in my ear. "i love you and i'm so proud of you. it's going to be fun. you'll make some of the best memories there."

her reassurance is all i needed. i pull away and dry my tears and a small laugh escapes my lips.

"okay, okay," i take deep breaths. "what kind of 18-year-old am i? i'm scared to leave my mommy? how pathetic!" i laugh. "and you, what kind of mother are you pushing me to go to college? you seem so okay with it." i'm slightly joking but also being kind of serious.

she laughs and wipes more tears away. "what kind of mother would i be if i didn't urge you to go? of course i will miss you more than anything in the world. but i gotta learn to let you grow into an even more amazing woman than you are right now."

i don't say anything. she stands up and goes to exit the room. before leaving, she hands me ethan's shirt again. i grab the material and clench it close to my heart.

what do i do with this damn shirt?

—

i finished packing. everything except what i will need for the next few days such as basic hygiene things, electronics, and change of clothes.