reasons to go, reasons to stay ➸ camren

chapter thirty three ➸ letters

A handful of hours later, Camila peered into Lauren's room. Her shoulders dropped when she realized Lauren had fallen asleep. She took a deep breath before quietly walking over and placing the piece of paper on Lauren's nightstand before slipping out of the room and into her own bedroom.

Lauren blinked her eyes open, confused, when she heard her bedroom door shut. She sat up, groggily turning on the lamp next to her bed. That's when her eyes landed on the piece of crumpled notebook paper that lay on the table next to her.

She pulled the blanket over her legs and unfolded the letter. Lauren immediately recognized Camila's chicken scratch handwriting, and was surprised at how much effort she'd put into completely filling up both sides of the paper.

Lauren,

I bet you have a lot of questions. Yes, I can talk. But... I just can't. I wish I had a better explanation for you, but I don't. I have a lot of explaining to do. But first, please don't hate me.

I didn't cheat on you. I'm so sorry for letting you believe it. The necklace, the pills, the sneaking out... it wasn't me. Well, it was, but I had no choice. The day you asked me about the necklace was the day I got my first letter from Keith. I had to do all those things to keep you safe. He knew where I worked, Lauren... I didn't know what else I was supposed to do. It's not like I would change what I did if I could do it again.

The day I left... I didn't want to. I swear, Lauren. You may not believe me, but hopefully you know me well enough to know that I wouldn't leave you or Rowan voluntarily, in a million years. That day I had gotten a letter from Keith and I just... wanted to get it all over with. Please don't be mad at me for what I did.

I knew Keith was going to kill me eventually. And I didn't want to give him that satisfaction. So I guess I just... took it into my own hands. I woke up in the hospital after the car hit me and I was so... so mad. I felt like I'd failed. I wanted to talk, but I didn't. Because I didn't want to hurt anyone else, like I'd done to you.

They couldn't figure out who I was because I didn't talk to them. So they called me Matty Ford, cause I had your 'The 1975' shirt on when they found me, and one of the nurses knew who the main singer was. And I was driving the Ford.

I broke my leg, screwed up something in my back (they had to 'fuse my vertebrae together'... whatever that means) fractured my skull and some other stuff that I can't remember.

It took awhile before I could walk and stuff properly, and when I finally got out of the hospital, I ended up at the shelter because I was broke and had no other options. I wore the hood and stuff to hide my face. The guys at the shelter had it out for me from the start, I guess. Besides this kid named Harry that I was friends with. He's the only person I've ever talked to since the accident.

Oh, yeah. The first time I spoke since the accident was when I realized I sounded like a blubbering idiot. I guess the accident screwed me up more than I thought. Cause' I have the reading and writing skills of a five year old.

I got a job at the bookstore and I guess that's when you met Matty. I wasn't purposely avoiding you, Lauren. If it was safe, I would've run right into your arms. But I wasn't safe, and neither were you. Keith was still alive and for all I knew, he was watching me closely. So I just tried to make you befriend 'Matty.'

I didn't mean to get as close to you as I did, really. It just happened.

And then I didn't show up to work for a week. It's all a blur but I just remember Keith finding me and walking me somewhere, and then blackness. I woke up and I was naked -don't worry. Remember the Harry kid I mentioned before? I guess he saw us and followed us. All details aside, Keith is dead, and he didn't hurt me in any way (minus a few bruises).