Unknown Feelings (Sakuatsu)

I'm sorry

So ik that i haven't exactly published any new parts yet but yes I'm still writing the other part and it's really long soo please wait for it a little longer.

And I don't really have anything much to say except that i have a great friend. We do zoom meetings now and then and we only talk about her problems because she has a lot of drama going in on her life but when she asks me to say something I just say that my life is peaceful and there is no drama in it but apparently I was wrong.

I have a lot of emotional baggage.

I'm pretty sure most of u might understand me.

The pressure of parents about studying.

This is one of the most common things kids have gone through and I'm currently going through it. I'm in 8th grade going to 9th.

My final exams are of 80 marks and my parents expectations are 75 and above. Now my bar is at 70 and above because I'm a good student and I have to maintain being a good student.

Last time I got a 53 at math in my term 1 and my parents were furious. And I was like 'it's okay it happens. I'll do better next time' but I'm not able to get better at it.

In my 1st term, pa-1 (Periodic Assessment) out of 25 i got a 22 in math. Then in my pa-2 I got 18 in it and I was like 'what happened?' I definitely thought the paper was easy and i had answered all the questions with ease yet still I got a 18! The only difficult one was a 3 marker question which i was sure that i wouldn't get right and yes I didn't get it right. I lost 3 marks but I never thought I would lose more and my confidence dropped a little.

The only good thing is that in my previous subject where I got a 18 in pa-1, i got a 20 in pa-2 so that saved me.

My exams are in 2 weeks and it's apparently offline much to my and all of the 8th standard's dismay and they're actually rebelling it. They're writing to teachers and principal about this stuff and maybe if luck is with us then the examinations would be conducted online. Let's hope please🤞

Anyway since I have a sharp brain my parents expectations are also higher. I tried to do everything to satisfy them but my father is never satisfied.

He wants me to get a full on everything and disregards most of my achievements. Given that they are small but still.

And my brother is as useless as they come by because he never ever supports me. Now that's a common thing among siblings but his words do hurt me.

Idc what he says about me because most of his words are absolutely useless but when he says that i have no talent i actually believe that.

Because other than studying i have no other talent at all. And there are tons of people who are way better and smarter than me. I do drawing sometimes but without a picture i can't draw at all. Like if u give me a anime girl or boy to draw i will do it. And it turns out really good and I'm not even lying or exaggerating. But if i have to draw on my own without any pic or something it turns out I have no skills at all.

And my other hobby is music and I'm not even underestimating myself cause believe me I don't sound that good. And instruments I've actually never tried because my father never bought me one cause I should focus on my studies more. So thats out of the question.

The only talent that I know that i have is writing. Of course I'm still not that good at it but still better than most people right? Well atleast my friend tells me cause she has read some of the things I've written. I'll keep on improving and enhance my writing skills in the future so I'll get better at it.

But unfortunately i can't show any of my stories to my brother cause well I live in a conservative family. I'm not gay so dw! But even supporting them is pretty hard and we have never talked about LGBTQ+

So whenever my brother taunts me about having no talent at all, I want to show him my books and make him shut up but he'll tell it my parents and I'll have to stop writing about it and it's just too much to give up. Writing is all I have rn. It helps me escape reality and just write any stupid thing that comes to my mind!

All the sakuatsu stories i have written are from my pov. It's how I view them. I think that if Kiyoomi wants to be soft he can be, if he wants to touch other people than he can, of course after a lot of trying but he can. And also it's canon that Sakusa indeed doesn't have germaphobia. He's just a little mysophobic and probably has a little ocd and loves cleaning but yeah that's it. It's one of the reasons why I didn't mention in any of my stories that he's a germaphobe.

And Atsumu, i have seen and read a lot of stories about them and most of them has Atsumu as weak and a 'damsel in distress'.

I honestly think Atsumu's pretty strong especially when he grows up. Even though he still has that child like mentality he also has a lot of character development in him. And about the whole 'top-bottom' ordeal, i personally think it's not that good thing to address them as such, as there sexual positions and not everything is about sex.

Though my take on it is probably that they both are switches and i personally love that idea. I think both of them can be a top and a bottom.

Anyway, coming back on topic, i really am sooooo glad to have a bestfriend like her.

I had a bestfriend before her for like 7 years we both went to the same school and she was just a year older than i am and she changed schools last year and she's in her hometown now living in hostels and stuff.

We barely talk now and considering that hostels don't allow phone that much, it's understandable. But even before, when we met in parties and stuff she would like say hi to me and talk to me a little bit and then go off with her friends. I talked to her about it once and she said sorry and that next time I should join her and her friends but declined the offer.

I'm not a social Butterfly and I get anxiety with new people and I don't really join in their conversations either so what's the point of me being there? The only good thing about me is that, somehow I attract elder boys and they are the one's who keep me company all night long. Yes ik them I'm not stupid enough to go with strangers.

But even if my night ends fine, i think about how I need a fucking guy to keep me company when my bestfriend is out there chatting with all her friends like I don't exist, like im not her bestfriend for 7 years and that honestly hurts.

I'm so glad I found someone who would choose me first. Idrc if I'm a 2nd choise or maybe even 10th or 100th as long as you will talk to me and keep me company. So yeah.

Sorry for the rant and I hope u guys have someone like my bestfriend in ur life too. If u don't then I would happily listen to you. U can write it in the comments or msg me privately.

I might be a little late in replying but I'll still reply. Thank you☺️