I Must Be Dreaming

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Staring at the ceiling, with the electric heater whirring behind me and a sadly empty plastic Oolong Bubble Tea cup lying on my bed, I sighed and swirled the straw around, trying to suck up the last drops of sweetness. This winter was too cold, too long and too lonely.

Buzz buzz. Ugh, it was probably my ex, or my mum, or my boss. So I didn't have to deal with whoever it was, I turned my phone over. Buzz buzz. Wow, they were really persistent. I picked it up and held it dangerously close to my face.

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23:11
Instagram

ImAllexx
hey so idk what the deal is with Lil peep but seems like everyone only cared about him after he died

dotn you think it's a bit sad like also weird
then again he's pretty overrated idk

*donf
don't ffs
oh wait that's me too
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Wait. What the... fuck? Why was Alex Elmslie (otherwise known to the internet as ImAllexx) dm-ing me about Lil Peep? How? Out of nowhere? Was this really happening to me?

For so long, all I'd dreamed about was ImAllexx by chance happening to message me. I wished so hard to somehow be given the chance to talk with him. And right now - it was happening. But at the same time I had no idea how to respond because... it just didn't make any sense.

The room seemed to be growing bigger, my phone screen pulsing with different colours. In the harsh winter sunlight streaming in from the off-white curtains pulled apart by cream ribbons, I struggled to focus on the words I was texting.

My hands were shaking from a mixture of cold, caffeine and nerves as I typed.

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callierosepunk
Alex! Hey! How are you doing? I love your videos 💜 But I think you got the wrong person

ImAllexx
yh all good thanks! you?
lil peep? the soundcloud rapper.. i think i know??

callierosepunk
I'm good! But why are you messaging me about Lil Peep?

ImAllexx
bc you asked me.. did u not?

callierosepunk
Did I?

ImAllexx
sorry haha

callierosepunk
No problem! I love Lil Peep 🖤

ImAllexx
oh my bad
have a nice day!!
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The second I swiped off Instagram, I felt a huge twist in my stomach. Thoughts were racing through my mind like heavy duty lorries in the dead of night, each one making me more vulnerable to crack under the pressure. What if I'd just ruined the one chance I had? There were so many better things I could've said... Why did our conversation have to end like that?

And why did Alex think Lil Peep is overrated? Did he have a favourite Lil Peep song - and if so, what was it?

Would I ever get a chance to speak with him again? Maybe I should just ask why... Or say something else, anything... I could try and continue the conversation any time, right? Why worry now? But then again, wouldn't it be weird to message him again now I straight up outed myself as a fan? I should definitely wait for him to message first, if he ever would. And why did he pick me out of millions of people to message about Lil Peep? Did he message me by mistake instead of another girl named Callie who he actually liked?

Somehow all the worries and questions looping in my head made me even more curious.

My curiosity burned within me like a fire from a place of adoration and infatuation and yet there was a sense of fear. What was he really like? I believed he was a good person. A person I adored more than I ever should have – especially for someone I'd never met.

Still, that hope flickered in my internal flames like an old love letter burning at the edges, and it hurt to pick it up. But I felt like this was the only way to learn. I held it close to my heart until the heat dissipated through my fingertips and the words that once spelled out my feelings crumbled into black dust.

Well, if I wanted to know who Alex really was, there was only one way to find out. And I thought I had just the idea. Talk about timing. It wasn't necessarily going to work, but I believe that in life, you have to take any chances you can get. Even if they're a little crazy.

"Nadia!" I yelled from my room to the living room, tossing my empty bubble tea cup into the bin.

"Yeah?" She mumble-yelled back.

"Let's go to that networking event tomorrow."

"You changed your mind?"

"Yeah!"

"What made you say that all of a sudden?" I looked up. She was there, stood leaning in the doorway, her hoop earrings glinting against her jet black hair, smiling a kind of knowing smile.

"Oh, I just... I think it'll be fun! And we could really do with a chance to promote our brand, this year hasn't been easy."

"Yeah! It will be fun, don't worry too much about the promoting, I got us. You just have a good time, okay?"

"I'll try," I laughed, staring in disbelief at Alex's name in my Instagram dms. Locking it again quickly before it could stop being reality, I enjoyed the satisfying click noise as I laid my phone facedown on the bedside table.

Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe I'd wake up tomorrow and the messages would go away. Maybe this would be the end. Maybe it would be the beginning. Maybe it would be nothing at all. But one thing was for sure: I wouldn't know if I didn't try.

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