find me

18. selfish

A/N: I'm back! University had officially devoured me, I'd like to apologise for disappearing on you. I hope you're enjoying warmth and sunshine of Spring, wherever you are, and that you've been living life as serenely as possible.

This is a weird one, because there's a mix of things happening and there's also a bit of angst and yelling, because yes, we're dramatic and these two are quite intense, especially when it comes to each other. 

I'll let you go ahead and read now, hope you enjoy!


~



It's not often that we get caught in feelings so deep, we fail at the attempt of burying them inside.

Some of us, the lucky ones, are told emotions are normal and valid, that we should experience them instead of suppressing them, even the sad and horrible ones. Unfortunately, the lucky ones are only the minority. Most of us grow up learning how to manage our emotions in order to appear stronger, braver, more desirable. Burying feelings is one of the first automatisms we learn as kids: adults scolded us if we expressed our needs in emotional ways, calling them tantrums, shutting us down or dismissing them as 'overreactions'. That taught us we needed to hide those emotional needs, digging a hole deep in our conscience and burying them under the weight of our fears of being judged, or rejected.

Between the unlucky majority, some are particularly good at suppressing feelings because not only they were instructed to hide them, more-so they were trained to do so: that unfortunate elite is formed largely by soldiers and athletes. Although existing with very different purposes, soldiers and athletes share quite similar mindsets. Among many incredibly noble and good aspects of these two "activities", there are a lot of unhealthy ways of dealing with very human tendencies. Efficiency, training, discipline are all key elements to succeeding, which is the main focus in both fields. That translates into a lot of suppressive coping mechanisms that do not go well with healthy patterns in both communication and emotional monitoring. 

Emotions are irrelevant and need to be put aside completely in order to achieve the desired result. Crying is for the weak. Caring is dangerous and distracting. Fear is unacceptable. Soldiers and athletes process everything that happens to them through the lenses of a dirty glass, covered in ambition and perfectionism. They have no clarity about who they truly are because they've been induced since an early age to subdue all the thoughts, desires and emotions that could potentially derail them from their path to success, consequently hiding huge parts of themselves.

They only know one way of living. The way they were taught. Nothing else.

With such an experience of life, being so used to hiding feelings deep inside, it is an extremely rare occasion to see emotions show up unexpected to the surface. For an emotion to raise and burst out of an accurately structured and time-proofed cage it needs to be exceptionally powerful. An emotion impossible to hide, override or suppress. 

This is the kind of emotion both Bucky and Natalie were dealing with on their way back to the house, sat next to each other as they drove through the busy streets of New York City. As much as they both tried to squash them down, the feelings that had been building up for all these months within them had finally risen to the surface and there was nothing either of them could do about it. There was something between them that wasn't usual, something their training didn't prepare them for. They had never experienced such a powerful feeling, a drive towards the other person so strong that it leaves you defenceless, inert, completely at the other's mercy.

It wasn't just physical, it was more. The long-awaited physical interaction had only confirmed their already quite certain suspicions; that whatever it was between them, it was something epic. The one-of-a-kind type of feeling. The hardest part was that this peculiarity, the uniqueness of intensity they felt towards each other, was so special it made them question themselves and their own choices, bringing them to doubt their minds in favour of their hearts and flesh. All they had ever learned, every defence mechanism, deflective response, emotional coping... now, it was all under meticulous scrutiny, trying to either find a way to fight these feelings or a way to indulge in them without getting heartbroken, again, or inflicting heartbreak.