find me

22. my whole life

"Nat..." His eyes pierced her, speaking the words he could not form with his voice, gentle and unfiltered in their desire to soothe her, expressing his burning desire to just hold her in his arms forever. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks, as multiple shivers coursed through her. 

She had felt a crack inside her the moment after she spoke those words out loud, breaking up the last wall that kept her separate from everyone else for oh so many years. She felt her heart about to combust in a million flames, crackling in an undying pier. 

She looked back at him with the same desperation she could see in his eyes, the same longing to be held by his warm, impossibly strong arms. She cringed at the thought, her face twisting in a pained wince. She knew she had blown it, her chance with him; now that her secret was finally out, it was too late. She had dragged him in what she'd always deemed to be the 'worst case scenario', and she'd seen a side of him that she wasn't sure she could compromise with. He killed people, and maybe he did know wether they were actually innocent or guilty, but did that justify the violent actions? And yes, he had always been there for her, in a way only someone who cares would, but so did her dad... until he didn't. What made Bucky any different? How could she trust him not to do the same thing once the time came? 

She angrily rubbed her hands against her thighs, scratching the fabric of her trousers with her fingernails as she scraped them down. 

"Do you want to tell me about him?" He tentatively spoke, his voice barely louder than a whisper. He was focused solely on her, his eagerness to be closer to her blatantly showing in the way he leaned completely towards her, his whole body leaning forward, his arms resting on the lower ends of his thighs, just over his knees.

She nodded slowly and carefully pressed her palms on her hot cheeks, hoping to cool them down. 

"Yes. Yeah..." She let out a shaky breath through her parted lips. "He— he was part of the Irish mob since he was a child. He g-grew up with them. They were his family, I guess, in a way. The only family he had before he found my mom, and they- they were really, really close. I mean, they- I'm not trying to- fuck, I'm not defending him or like, trying to justify what he did or anything but... I don't know, It's fucked up anyway." She brushed her hair nervously, biting her bottom lip almost in chastisement. "When- when he became an agent, everyone thought he had moved on from that, from the street life. He was always in missions around the States, sometimes even abroad. We didn't- we didn't see much of him. But then he came back a few years later and started working with the mafia bosses again." She took one deep breath and let it out shakily, her lips trembling slightly. "That was when he started- he started being horrible with mom, and- and with me. That's when all this shit began. But we were the only ones to see the- the real him, you know, 'cause people... shit, everyone liked him, like literally everyone... and especially the bosses. They- they loved h-him, you know." She moved her gaze towards Bucky, catching his burning eyes already on her. She felt a strong sense of understanding that washed over her as his gaze locked in with hers. Her lips trembled even harder, tears filling hot and desperate in her eyes. "They- they really really loved him." She nodded, her eyes slowly unfocusing as they got lost in the vast darkness of the past. A sad smile crossed her features, weighed down by the immense pain this conversation was bringing  up to the surface. Bucky frowned painfully, as he realised how those last pieces of information had probably nothing to do with the mafia bosses and everything to do with her and her mom. She sniffed and wiped away a few tears that were still lingering at the corners of her eyes and on her jaw. "Anyway, so... S.H.I.E.L.D. sent him undercover to spy for them. They wanted him to gain as much information as he could on the mafia to report it back to them. It made sense, they hired him because he had a past with the low-life of Baltimore. The bosses could trust him more easily, knowing he was 'one of them'. Except he was literally one of them. The whole time he was an agent, he was double-crossing S.H.I.E.L.D., stealing highly protected information from the Agency and delivering it to his bosses."