find me

17. don't think

And now what?

A deafening silence lingered in the air of the desert floor, the only sounds to be heard were muffled and distant, coming from the city streets and the party upstairs. They must have gone down only a few levels if the music was still audible through the ceiling. They stood pressed against each other in the darkness of the hallway, only barely lit by the city lights coming from outside the tall windows, eyes locked into each other's gaze. They kissed, but neither of them moved; both their mouths stood open, lips parted, letting out quick silent pants. They kissed, and yet his hand was still firmly placed behind her neck, gripping at the nape of it. Thousands of questions and doubts ran around in their heads. After months of wanting each other so badly it physically hurt them; of fantasising over each other, unable to suppress their feelings; of dreaming of the moment when they would finally give in to desire; finally, the moment of pure bliss they were both longing and dreading arrived. And it felt... surreal.

Bucky looked into Natalie's eyes, waiting for her to say something; anything that would instruct him on what to do next; something that would make sense of that moment. But her eyes looked up to his just the same, confused, conflicted... hopeful. Both their minds raced, trying to process what had just happened but most importantly wondering what was going to happen next.

Bucky could still taste her on his lips, the warmth of her lingering on his sensitive skin.

She tasted of honey and cinnamon. Fuck, how did she taste so good? 

He couldn't wrap his head around it. He didn't understand what had happened, what pushed him to finally do that which he had spent months avoiding. A high-pitched noise rang in his ears, like he had just been thrown out of a plane miles up in the air. His mind was confused and blurry, every rational ability to analyse was wiped out by the reflection of the lights in her eyes, the pink colour of her lips...

Her lips. That was the last thing he saw before he leaned in. The last thing on his mind, the whole of his being focused solely on the soft curve of her lips.

I kissed her.

She kissed me back.

Her lips were even softer than what he had imagined. They pressed on his with fierce intention, but still as delicate as a feather. The moment their lips touched, there was a spark, a bolt of lighting; a jolt of electricity coursed through him. Something in his chest broke, like a dagger pushing through his ribs deep in his flesh. He swore he felt it. As clear as day. Did she feel it too? Precisely when... wait, no; not in the moment they touched. It was after that, in the exact second she kissed him back, that's when he felt it. Was he going mad? Did he really feel her lips move against his, or was it yet again another dream?

She drew a quick breath in and hooked his lower lip between hers, kissing it softly, then sighed slowly into him.

No, he wasn't going mad. She did kiss him back.

But why?

Whatever took over him, whatever it was that brought him to that glorious moment of weakness, why didn't she stop it? She leaned back in after he landed his first kiss. There had been a brief moment of hesitation no doubt, but she kissed him back nonetheless.

Why didn't she pull back? Why did she go as far as reciprocating the kiss?

Bucky wasn't good at making things simple for himself. When it came to combat he could be really fast, think on his feet and make very important decisions, life or death decisions, in a matter of seconds... but when it came to feelings and emotions? He was absolutely clueless, the last thing he was able to do was think rationally. His mind was melting right now. It was as if the cells in his brain in charge of making smart decisions chose to mess with him all at the same time, leaving no one to guide poor Bucky's brain. There might have been a thousand reasons why she decided to kiss him back. And in his brain, only a few were actually good ones. Maybe she didn't decide at all. A man whom she was attracted to grabbed her and kissed her, she might have just reacted accordingly. No rational decision process. Maybe there was no deeper desire to actively indulge in the kiss. Just an automatic physical response. She probably didn't mean to kiss him back at all.