find me

28. shipwreck

30th September, somewhere in the middle of the Adriatic Sea, between Spain and Sardinia

around 9am

Natalie sat on a bench at the top of the ferry, listening to the waves crashing against the sides of the ship. She stared at the horizon in front of her, pictures of home and her friends swirling around her. She felt nostalgic, the sea a reminder of the distance that was now between her and her old life, her old friends. Her mom.

But also a reminder of the scale of life, of how small she really was in the big scheme of things.

Irrelevant.

The weight of that word spread through her body as if carried by the blood in her veins and settled her anxious heart, slightly alleviating the pain and the pressure.

It was almost comforting knowing that somehow, she didn't really matter, that out there in the world she meant less than nothing, a speck of dust in the desert.

It felt like relief.

Since she could remember, the sea always had a calming effect on Natalie. The vastness and grandeur of it should have frightened her, but she only felt peace when her gaze wandered over the beautiful display of nature. It soothed her, the idea that there was something in the world that couldn't be tamed, couldn't be controlled. She respected it, admired it, even envied it. Once on sea, you were in the hands of Nature Herself, and She would decide wether to be gentle and welcoming and allow you to sail through Her with a quiet wind, or sink you down into the darkness of the abyss; and there wouldn't be much you could do about it. Yes, you could try to survive, swim your way to the surface, fight with every ounce of will power you had, but chances were the sea would claim you, and that would be the end of it.

Natalie wished to believe she would fight if that ever happened to her. She wanted to believe that if shipwrecked in the middle of the ocean, she'd swim until her arms gave out and her lungs exploded; but she couldn't be sure.

How easy would it be to just give up in the face of Nature's might and let her body drift down? Would she enjoy the feeling of lazily descending into the unknown? How deep could she go before she'd start to gasp for air?

Would the deafening silence of a seemingly bottomless chasm be seducing or frightening?

She couldn't be sure.

She didn't want to die, but to go so peacefully, lulled by the stream, cradled in Nature's embrace; it didn't seem like such a terrible way to leave this world behind.

If she could choose, that's how she would want to die: in the sea, surrounded by her maker, at the heart of creation as we understand it. She would hate to go like he did: getting shot in an alleyway, clothes soaking in her own blood and eyes still open in panic, in pursuit of a man she didn't know and in the name of someone who didn't care wether she lived or died, because someone else would just replace her the next day.

Somewhere in between her thoughts, Natalie heard heavy footsteps approaching her. She didn't turn, instead she closed her eyes, a few tears that she hadn't realised were there fell on her cheeks. Bucky didn't sit next to her, he only stood behind the bench and cleared his throat.

"We're almost there."

She nodded mindlessly, her eyes fixated on the open waters in front of her.

He waited for a moment, debating wether to leave her with her own thoughts or join her, offer her comfort or company or whatever she might need. His heart slowed in rhythm with the waves and slowly he realised he might not know how to comfort her, or keep her company anyway. He didn't know how to be that person now that she'd seen him do what he does. He had done what was necessary, what needed to be done, but it didn't make it any easier. Knowing he had no choice, that it was a 'kill or be killed' situation didn't ease the raging storm in his chest, the guilt and the shame that came from taking someone's life. He could accept that it was part of him, but he couldn't forgive himself for how easy it felt. How quickly he pulled that trigger, every time, shooting that bullet into the air, fully aware of how it would instantaneously end a person's life.