Confident

Halloween

I didn't know how to make Halloween easier for James. But I knew all I could do was try. I knew every day, James was up by 8:30, so I woke up at 7 to cook him breakfast. Or try... I knew I could make waffles, and instead of trying something new I stuck with what I could physically do.

I cut up some strawberries, added whipped cream, put some syrup on, and added a tiny bit of chocolate syrup just to add a special touch. Cause he liked it that way. I also ate before going up there because I knew we probably wouldn't be going downstairs for a while. I could hear rustling in our bed when I came back upstairs, and when I walked in, James was sitting up rubbing his eyes.

"Doll?" He asked, and I came to his side.

"Hi baby," I said softly, "I made you breakfast."

"You did?" He asked, his tired eyes fighting to stay open, "thank you."

"I wanted to try and make you like- pancakes or French toast, but I didn't want to burn the house down," I admitted, and James laughed with his scratchy morning voice as he took the plate from me.

"You're the best," he grumbled, "now come back to bed I want to hug you."

"Okay, okay," I said softly, feeling bad about today.

He took a bite, his body melting into the sheets as the taste filled his mouth. Phew. So I did add sugar and not salt. I climbed under the covers, letting his head rest on my shoulder while he ate, running my fingers through his hair. "You know what today is right?" He asked, and I hummed softly. "I'm sorry but I don't think I want to go anywhere today."

"Honey, I know," I whispered, "I understand. I don't want you to feel bad, I'm one of the first people to understand what you're feeling. How about today? We just stay in bed, watch movies, cuddle, and I'll make you dinner?"

"That sounds good," he whispered back, "thank you."

"Of course James," I smiled, "now what do you wanna watch?"

"Can we watch Halloween?"

"Sure," I smiled, scrolling through the different movies we had until I found Halloween, "Wait the new one or the 1970s one?"

"The original."

"Gotcha," I smiled, "just relax. I'll do everything today."

"No no," he objected, "it's okay I can help."

"Nope, already decided," I said softly, "don't argue with me on this."

"Okay."

We watched Halloween, and after he finished his waffles he rested his head on my lap, letting me play with his hair to calm him down. I could feel how hurt he was, whether it was his hands grabbing my pajama pants and holding them tight, or whether he was completely silent.

"You know how she died?" He asked, flipping to face me with red rimmed eyes.

"How honey?"

"She tried protecting me," he whispered, "because we were in a dangerous neighborhood, and a man tried grabbing me. But she stepped in and her shot her." My heart dropped, looking down at him sadly as he bit his lip, "because I wanted to trick or treat like all the other kids. It's my fault."

"No baby it's not your fault," I said softly, wiping the tears from his cheeks, "you couldn't have prevented that from happening if you went out. And you were just being a kid. You can't blame yourself because you wanted to do what every other kid was doing. That's like saying it's my fault I don't know how to cook because my mom left me. Okay, well that's not the same but I hope that makes sense."