Shattered

Try, just try

Just as promised, Mrs Smith shows me to my new office.  It looks amazing, but it somehow feels cold.

There's a medium sized desk in the middle of the space, a few drawers to the right hand side. And a little book shelf covering the entire right hand side. Behind the table is a huge window that opens up to the beautiful skyline of the city.

The walls are plain white and the carpet is a light grey, easily mistakable for white.

I have to do something about it. Since I dont have much work today, i take out a pencil and begin sketching some ideas for designing this office into a more appealing style for me.

After what feels like only a few minutes of planning – in reality it has been hours – a know sounds at my door. Arraine's head peeps through the crack between the door and wall.

"Hi, may I come in?" She asks.

"Oh yes Ma'am. Have a seat." I tell her standing up.

"How may I help you Mrs Waters?" I ask her.

"Oh no, its after hours Gemma. You can call me Arraine." She says smiling at me. She looks down at the papers on my desk.

She picks one up and looks at it. She nods her head and seems to be in deep thought.

"These are good, you drew these?" She asks.

I nod.

"You're doing an exceptional job. You're talented. Did you know that?" She asks. Sitting casually on the chair.

"Thank you.  And yes, I actually was majoring in interior design in college." I tell her. She smiles and nods.

"Why did you stop? You're good." She says. I blush, she keeps on showering me with compliments.

"I got pregnant. I had to raise my son. So yea, then after that I had to find a job." I tell her. She looks at me and I can feel the surprise that's cursing through her veins right now.

"You have a child?" She asks. "Wow, it's not at all in bad context . Your body is just really good looking for you have a child." She says. I look down and I nod, feeling my cheeks heaten up.

"Well I had actually come up here to tell you that it's time to go. You're just so captivating, it's so easy to talk to you. We should do this more often." She says.

I nod.

"I'd love to." I tell her and she smiles before clicking away.

I walk out of the company doors to find Tyler leaning against his car.

"I know you didnt come with your car, so I figured you'd need a ride." He says smiling.

What a sweet guy.

"Thank you . For everything." I tell him and nods and opens the door for me. The sky is a light orange, I take a moment to appreciate it.

I remember how fascinated I used to be by stuff like this. How much more I wanted to know about this. The ambitious girl I had been, I miss her.

I'm so stuck in my mind that I dont hear Tyler revving the car to life.

After a long comfortable silence, Tyler speaks.

"I dont know what's happening. And if you arent ready to tell me than I understand. But I just want to know if Ethan is okay?" He asks me.

He doesnt have to elaborate any further. I know exactly what he's talking about.

"Yes. He's fine." I simply say.

He parks his car on his driveway and then I walk out of his car. Not before thanking him. I dread the walk back to reality. Or should I say hell.

I open the door and I find him seated on the couch. His eyes are bloodshot, but there is no alcohol synch. Instead his cheeks are damp.

I close the door and rush to his side. Dropping my purse onto the couch next to him.

"What's wrong ,are you okay?" I ask him. He looks at me, broken. His eyes are dead.

"I'm becoming like him." He says. His voice super gentle for the weight of what he's saying.

"Like who?" I ask confused.

"I'm becoming like my dad. I'm hurting you Gemma. And I hate it, each time I do it? I hate it." He says. Tears roll down his eyes and brim in mine.

"I... uhh..." I look for words.

"I'm scared Genn. I'm scared that you'll leave. That you'll take Ethan with you and never look back. And you'll find love with some doctor. I'm terrified of that." He cries.

"I dont want to hurt you. But when I get drunk and you say all this things to me, I just get upset.  And I'm worried Genn, im worried that you might think that I dont love you. But I do. I love you Gemima. More than I can put into words." He says grabbing a hold of my hands.

He brings them to his lips and he kisses them.

"I need you by my side as I go through these tough times. All I need is your support. But I promise you baby, I'm changing.  I want to be a better dad. And I want a good future for us. I want to marry you and make you happy. Just please help me. I need help." He cries into my arms and all I can do is just listen.

Does it make me a bad person that even through all of this that he is saying, i find it hard to trust him. To feel safe around him?

Because if it does then I dont care, I can be a bad person then.

I caress his back and his it. Hoping it'll calm his hysterical sobs.

"I dont want to loose you Gem. My dad, he'd hit us. He'd hit my mom and I to a point that we couldnt even walk out of the house let alone walk over to the phone and call the police.

I dont want to be that guy. Help me Gem, help me. Help me to fix me. Please." He begs.

I just hold him . I caress his back as he weeps in my hold. His body throbbing and shaking. Sweat rifling through his clothing. His chest sheathing up and down as he pants.

"Say something please. " he begs me. His voice breaks.

"I got a promotion." I say nonchalantly, hoping to lighten up the mood.

"Congratulations baby." He smiles through the tears. And suddenly I smile back, this is the Jeremy that I fell inlove with.

"How do I do it? How do I also get a job?" He asks. Smiling at me.

"Try, just try. It isn't always guaranteed but I promise baby, it'll be worth it one day." I tell him and I smooch his cheek.

"I love you Gemima Goldberg.  I love you to the moon and back." He says.

"I love you. I love you for everything that you've done for me and that you will do." I say to him.

I kiss his forehead and we cuddle up on the couch. Now this is the life that I signed up for. Not jumping through windows, afraid for my life.

I love this Jeremy.