Shattered

Guess I Really Am

I never got out of the bed yesterday. I fell asleep and woke up at three in the morning.

Not understanding why I'm here defending his name in a bottomless pit of patience.

Do I need this session?

I decide to go to work earlier than usual. Everyone is asleep when I leave. I get to Manhattan at seven on the dot.

I walk into the building after thanking Oscar for the ride especially early this early in the morning.

I complete the work by twelve PM and am out. Arraine barely saw me today but I submitted all the editing I needed to do.

My head is only ringing one question. Did I stay with him out of habit?

This stays until Oscar arrived to take me to Dr Lopez.

The building is white bricked that I'd chipping. Anyone would think it needs demolishing. But myself as a designer thinks its gorgeous especially with the plants they chose to compliment the design with.

I walk in and find a young woman behind a desk.

"Morning mam, may I help?" She asks.

"Morning. I am here to see Dr Lopez. I'm Gemima Summer." I tell her.

She nods. Then her eyes scroll the computer.

"Oh, yes Mrs Hart's recommended client. Just that grey door down the hallway." She says.

I waltz down there and I breathe. Before I walk in.

The office looks like a lounge a bit. The first thing I notice is the red couch that is right infront of me, it looks lovely. Then there is a wall of library shelves and books.

A woman who looks about a decade older than myself stands and smiles at me.

"You're welcome Miss Summer. Please take a seat on the couch." She says. And I do that.

She seats opposite to me on the grey chair.

"Firstly,  I'd like to ask how you feel about this initiative that you've taken." She says.

"I feel uncomfortable." I tell her.

"Why is that?" She asks. Taking notes.

"Because I dont think that I have a problem." I tell her. She nods.

"Its normal.  Tell me a little bit about yourself. What's a normal day for you?" She asks.

"I'm twenty four, I have a two year old son. I live in New York with a friend of mine and his family, and I'm an editor at Saucy Trendz and Gossip Magazine. A normal day for me is waking up and preparing Ethan and I for work and school.  Then going to work. Coming home.

Chatting with Charlotte or Mrs Hart. Chatting with Nathan while cooking dinner and then sleeping." I tell her.

"What about Ethan's father?" She asks.

"What about him?" I ask. Biting back the tears. I knew that we had to get here somehow.

"Tell me about him for starters.  How did you meet?" She asks. Pulling her glasses up and watching me as I talk.

"We went to the same college. We started hanging out and then I fell for him. We started dating , a few months later we found out I am expecting Ethan.

We moved from West Virginia  to Manhattan. He worked as a lawyer, when he lost his job. I had to step up and find a job, that's how I started working as an editor." I tell her. She nods and smiles encouragingly.

"Why isn't he involved in your normal day? " she asks.

"He isnt involved in my life anymore." I tell her.

"Anymore? What happened." She asks.

I gulp. Do I tell her? Wont she judge me? Wont she think I really do have a problem? Or she takes my baby away? But she'll probably tell that I'm lying because of my hesitance.

"He... umh... he–" before I speak, tears fall.

"This is a safe space Gemma." She says.

"He used tohit me." I croak.

"Oh, and when did it start?" She asks careful not to say anything that'll startle my already trembling figure.

"A year ago." I admit.

"Why didnt you run? Is there a reason or did you just find yourself staying?" She presses.

"I stayed because I'm the one that made him like that. I nagged him and nagged him just like his mom did his dad and he just popped." I tell her crying.

"Abuse is never your fault Gemma. No matter what you do or say, he doesnt have a right to hit you." She says.

Abused? What does she mean?

"I wasnt abused. I just provoked him." I correct her.

She shakes her head.

"Someone that really loves you would never do anything to hurt you Gemma. And he personally inflicted the pain onto you. Not caring that you could loose your life. Have you ever lost any babies?" She asks.

I dont answer. Tears just fall freely before she gasps.

"How many?" She asks.

"Two." I croak.

"He did it right? Gemma he abused you. He purposely put you in pain. And you dont have any hand in this. You're a victim. Why would he hurt you? Is it because he thinks you're sleeping around?

If this is normal Gemma then did it also happen with your parents?" She asks.

"No." I drop my head.

"You see? It was abuse my darling. And I'm glad you arent in his claws anymore." She says.

"Oh my God. I was abused? I am abused." I whisper.

"You have been. But you're a survivor and now your job is to keep Ethan safe from him . Before he hurts him too." She says.

"No. Not my Ethan." I clutch my chest. Not my only baby.

"I'm glad that you've realised this." She says.

"Now our hour is over but I want you to do this for me when you get home. Tell yourself that it's not your fault. Appreciate the good things around you. And protect Ethan.

You're free to come back here any other time." She says.

I stand and I thank her. Oscar is outside the building when I exit.

He smiles and I return the smile.

I get into the car and I just look outside. Why didnt I realize that before. I guess I really do have a problem.

How do I move from this revelation? I have to keep my son safe.

How could I put Ethan in so much danger willingly? He had me brainwashed.

He took so much from me and I still blame myself for it all. While he hurt my child and I.

Ethan watched me so many times fighting to stay alive for him and I still let him to be in the same danger.

What kind of a mother am I?

I'm irresponsible. I left Ethan in the arms of other people. I let the black and Nathan's family raise my son for me.

Complete strangers. I left them with my son.

They couldve been children traffickers . But I just left my one and only love with them.

I promise you Ethan, from now on I live for you.