Finding My Safe Space

Chapter 11

Napatulala ako ng ilang segundo dahil sa sinabi niya. What is he trying to say? What does he mean by that? Was that another scheme of him?

Is he saying na 'yong reason kung bakit niya ako binubully dati was because I didn't give him my attention? I scoffed. Hindi ko siya gets. What's so special with my attention that he would go that far just for me to give it to him? At tsaka, kinakausap ko naman siya noon ah, not always, pero I talk to him pa rin naman.

"What do you mean?" I asked him, still not totally processing what he said.

He smiled and sighed. "Sa madaling sabi, nagpapapansin ako kasi hindi mo ako pinapansin. Gets mo na ba?"

I furrowed my brows. That's it? His reason? How petty. Mababaw pa sa mababaw. Gaano ba siya kakulang sa atensyon na pati sa akin ay gusto niyang magpapansin? Pero sa pagkakaalala ko ay hindi naman siya mukhang kulang sa atensyon, kung tutuosin nga ay halos lahat ng estudyante sa school ay binibigyan siya ng atensyon. Marami pang nagkakagusto sa kanya.

"Iyon na 'yon? Ang babaw mo naman." I countered. "Dahil lang sa hindi mo makuha ang atensyon ng isang tao ay ibubully mo na siya and ruin her high school life? You're so shallow, attention-seeker." Dagdag ko pa.

"I already expected this. But please, listen to me, kahit ngayon lang..." I was surprised because he suddenly held my hand tight.

"...I didn't bully you. I didn't do all of that to bully you. I have other reasons." He added which made me roll my eyes.

"Yes, right? Kasi gusto mo lang magpapansin just like what you said, diba? Kasi hindi lahat ng atensyon ay nasa sa'yo, kasi wala ang atensyon ko. How pathetic." Tinabig ko ang kamay niya at lumayo ako. "You ruined my high school life because of your nonsense reasons, nang dahil sayo wala akong naging kaibigan, sinira mo ang lahat." I angrily said.

He looked away and sighed. "I'm sorry kung dahil sa mga ginawa ko pakiramdam mo ay nasira ko 'yong high school life mo. I didn't intend to do that. I just want to..." he stopped.

I raised a brow. "What? Another nonsense nanaman? Lying would just make it worse. I already hate you to the core, you better stop there." I warned him before turning my back.

"The damage has been done, kahit ano pang sabihin mo, alam mong hindi mo na maibabalik pa ang nakaraan. It would just annoy me more, thinking of those days that I was suppose to enjoy but because of you, I didn't get to. Galit ako sayo, galit na galit. Kaya please, huwag mo ng dagdagan."

There was silence after that, I even thought it would be the end of our conversation and that I won but I didn't the next thing he said.

"I would never regret my past actions." he answered which made me face him again. Is he really challenging me?

"Then that shows how bad and pitiful you are." I commented, trying to control myself from bursting with anger.

Napaatras naman ako no'ng bigla siyang humakbang palapit sa akin. I suddenly want to walk away but I was strangely glued to the ground.

"You're right, I am really pitiful. And yes, maybe I'm really bad, because I couldn't take it anymore now. I no longer want to keep everything silently. Because the more you accuse and resent me, the more I could feel that I am losing it." he said while looking directly in my eyes. Napatulala ako because I couldn't get what he's saying at all.

"I didn't drive people away from you, they voluntarily did that because they're guilty. They intended to use and fool you from the start, Ry. They weren't true to you and I hated that so much. I couldn't allow it to happen." he said, after that he closed his eyes and massaged his temples.

I scoffed, refusing to believe what I just heard because I know that what he said would inflict pain to me again. "What the hell is this? Another palusot? You already know that I wouldn't believe you no mat--."

"Yes, you wouldn't believe me, I know. You're good at that. You're really good at dismissing explanations when it comes to me. You only believe what you think is the truth, and that truth of yours is saying that no matter what, it is still me who's at fault, that I'm the one who ruined everything. You never really liked me as a person from the start, you're always distant and cold, I was hoping that maybe friends lang okay na, but you never even considered me as a friend, right? And you're right, I am really pathetic, because when you started hating and nagging at me, I liked that. It was ovewhelimg because finally, I got your attention."

Pareho kaming nanahimik hanggang sa ang naririnig nalang sa paligid ay ang ihip ng hangin. Something inside me was stirred because of what he said. I'm still refusing to believe everything that he's saying but I'm somehow kind of guilty. It's not true that I never considered him as a friend, but I think I haven't showed that to him nor I've planned to confide to him despite always having him beside me ever since we were very young, I feel kind of guilty for just letting him feel like a stranger beside me when in fact, it's given that I should befriend him due to our situation. However, who knows? Who knows if he's just making up all of these? I won't easily believe him. I won't let my guard down because I know that he's good in acting.

I wasn't planning to speak anything but when a thought crossed my mind, I immediately asked it without even thinking twice.

"Then why would you want me to pay attention to you that bad? Do you like me?" I suddenly want to hide my face after asking that. Why did I ask that embarrassing question? Gosh, I should've just shut up.

I'm already thinking that he's going to laugh at me or say that it is not true when he suddenly spoke while smirking at me, with his sleepy eyes.

"Did you just realize it now?"

My eyes widened for a bit but it's a good thing I immediately thought that it's Crispin that I'm talking to.

"Don't you ever try that to me, it won't work." I answered before looking away because his stares are making me uncomfortable. At bakit ang pungay ng mata niya? It's annoying me again.

"Oh, babe. You have no idea how determined I am. Hindi ako titigil ng basta-basta. I will make you fall hard." He said with his hoarse voice and leaned closer to me, because of the lamp post, I could clearly see his facial features. It's not a lie though, when people said that he's good looking. But still, I won't ever fall for a bully, not with him, ever.

My mind went back to reality when he suddenly laughed so hard.

"Galit na galit ka nanaman, grabe, you should've seen your face." he continued laughing.

My blood suddenly boiled. What the hell? Was everything that he said a huge joke? However, my questions were immediately answered by his whisper.

"Everything that I said are true. I am not joking when I told you that I want your attention and that I would make you fall hard."

I suddenly felt chills when he stepped away. Fuck? What was that?

"Stop making fun of me, you jerk." I angrily said. But I suddenly want to lie down in bed because of my rapid heartbeats. Argh, I should really stop myself from getting so angry because it's one of the consequences, I guess.

"Matutulog na ako," mataray kong sabi before turning my back.

I was about to walk away when my phone rang. I immediate got it from my pocket. When I saw that it's my mom ay agad ko naman itong sinagot.

"Hello, mom, I'm goi--." I stopped talking when I heard my mom crying.

"Mom? May problema po ba?" I worriedly asked.

My hands are starting to get cold and sweaty. I am getting nervous.

"Ry, your dad..." what she said next almost made me lose my sanity.

Why...

"Okay ka lang ba?" Crispin approached me from the back, my phone already fell to the ground and my tears started flowing.

"Dad." That's the only word I was able to say.

The next thing I remembered was me being wrapped in my mom's arms and we're both crying so hard inside the car.

There are a lot of things that I refuse to believe in my life. But among all them, this is the one that I refuse to believe the most. Because believing it feels like dying.