Finding My Safe Space

Chapter 12

I stared at the ceiling while lying on the bed. It's been a week since that night but everything is still a blur to me. Everything is not true, no, I just don't want to accept it at all.

Every time I go out of my room, I am hoping that I would be greeted by his warm smile and words. But every time I went out, all the people say to me is sorry.

Sorry for your loss. Damn it!

"He's alive..." I repeatedly said to myself while holding my chest. Dad is still alive, he said that everything will be okay, so it should be. He wouldn't leave us like this, he wouldn't leave mom so devastated and almost dying. No! It's not true! But then...if I continue doing this...

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I didn't bother answering but the door opened after few seconds. It was tita ninang.

"Ry, you should eat proper meal today. Ilang araw ka ng hindi kumakain ng maayos. Nangangayayat ka na." She softly said and placed the tray on the table beside my bed.

"I'm not hungry, tita." I answered.

She sighed. "But please, just a bite..." inilapit niya ang tray sa akin but I just looked away.

"If this continue, you'd be needing to see the doctor, too. You're not eating. Ry, please." After she said that, someone called her kaya umalis din siya agad. I was the again alone, with my thoughts.

My tears flowed again as I saw the picture frame on my side table. It was the smiling picture of my father. It was given to me during the last day of the funeral.

"Why? Why did that happen?" I cried while looking at his face, the face that I'm dying to see again, my first love.

"Why would you leave us like this? I thought everything's gonna be okay, but why..." I sobbed, trying so hard to accept my devastating reality. "Why can't you stay with us?"

I touched the frame and closed my eyes. It really hurts to think you wouldn't be able to see a person anymore, hug him, hear his voice, and see his smile. Now, all that's left are memories.

And I don't know if how long I'd refuse to accept all of these. One thing that I know is, everything will be hard and I'm not even sure if I'd get through this. That I'd get through the fact that my father died on an accident during the night after my birthday. Everything sucks.

Just like the days that went by, it was so difficult for me to stand and go out of my room. It was also the same for mom, or maybe even harder for her. After all, dad is her best friend, her first love, her partner in everything. Mom locked herself inside their room and ever since then, she never went out. She fainted and all, and now, tita ninang called a doctor for her.

I took a deep breathe as I put my black dress on. Everything inside of me is chaos, I'm deeply hurt and sad, but I have to take care of things. I need to be strong. I don't care if being in denial is what I am using to stand now, the important thing is I need to stay sane and deal with things in the place of my parents.

Dad. Wherever you are now, I am sorry for dealing with everything this way.

I put my sunglasses on before walking out of my room. Some of our relatives are still in the mansion while some are close family friends. Una kong pinuntahan 'yong kwarto ni mom, I was about to knock when tita ninang opened the door which revealed mom who's lying on the bed with dextrose attached to her.

"She's dehydrated..." the doctor explained everything to me but I was so preoccupied to understand everything.

I caressed my mom's face as I sat beside her. She looked so broken and sad even in her sleep. Her eyes were swollen and she looked so pale. Because of that sight, my tears won't stop flowing again.

For the meantime, the company was left on the hand of my father's younger brother. Tito is also a busy person so he made it clear that he won't be able to manage the company for longer time.

I was staring outside the window when tito called me, asking for an emergency meeting because he discovered that our company is on the brink of failing due to loss of funds.

My mind was on the verge of exploding as I sat inside the conference room. Katatapos lang ng meeting, I wanted to attend because I want to know the problem but they didn't allow me, even tita ninang didn't allow me. Mas makakasama raw sa akin and I should still rest because I'm grieving.

But still, I found myself here, I found myself defying all of them.

Hindi ko na alam kung kakayanin ko pa ba. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko.

Mawawala na ba ang lahat? Mapupunta nalang ba sa wala ang lahat ng pinaghirapan ng mga magulang ko?

Facing and trying to understand everything that's happening is so hard, and I feel so alone. My father died and now, my mother is dying, too. How can I face all of these alone? How can I deal with these problems when all that I know to do is depend on my parents?

I feel so novice in this world. How can I survive all of these without falling?

I went back to school the next day, I tried to act okay but I guess I didn't do it well because they're all throwing me pitiful look. I couldn't absorb the lectures, it's not even a good thing that the midterms is approaching.

I sat near the pavilion while drinking milk tea, I am again drowned with my thoughts. Our classes for the day were finished already but I don't want to go home. I want to stay away from home because all I could see and feel there are memories. Memories that were left by the person who's now also a memory for us. And I couldn't bear seeing my mom on that state, pakiramdam ko pati siya ay iiwan na rin ako.

"Hey," someone greeted me when I was on the verge of crying. When I looked up, I saw the person that I hated the most.

I ignored him because I am not in the mood to argue with him.

"Binili mo ba talaga 'yan para inumin?" He suddenly pointed my milk tea and I just realized that I've only took one sip when in fact, I was already sitting there for probably more than an hour.

"Go away." I lazily said before placing the milk tea down on the bench.

"I won't." He answered which made me sigh deeply.

"You're pissing me off." Tumayo na ako, today's not a day to pick a fight with him. I started walking away and I noticed that he's still following. Seriously, hindi ba niya alam ang sinasabing private space?

"Need a hug?" He suddenly asked which made me stop walking.

"No, thanks. I'm okay." Agad kong sagot no'ng marealize kong kinaaawaan niya ako.

Palabas na ako ng gate but he's still following me. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Pwede ba? Please, stop following me. I want to be alone." I said, trying so hard not to let my tears flow.

He sighed and held my shoulders. "I won't let you face all of these alone. You show people that you're okay, but of course you're not. You're good in faking everything, I know that."

Tinulak ko siya. "Leave me alone." I continued walking hanggang sa makalabas na ako ng gate, sa kabila naman siya dumaan because he is a visitor.

I was about to run away from him when he grabbed my hand which made me face him.

"It's okay." He said while looking at my eyes.

"What are you saying? Let go of me." I pleaded.

Instead of answering directly, he put his cap on my head.

"It's okay to cry, it's not a sin. But if you're ashamed to do it, this might help." As if it's a cue, my tears started flowing after he said that.

I was still crying so hard when he softly grabbed my hand towards his car. I was so lost with my thoughts when I felt his arms around me.

"Let it all out, it's okay. I'll listen, I'll never leave you." He repeatedly whispered.

And strangely, for the first time ever since everything turned into a mess, I felt safe.