Finding My Safe Space

Chapter 18

"Make sure to sue all of them."

"Yeah, that's what I am planning."

Nagising ako dahil sa mga boses na narinig ko. It was hazy at first when I opened my eyes but seconds later I realized that those voices belong to tita ninang and Crispin. But tita went out before I could mutter a word, she just smiled at me and nodded.

"How are you feeling?" Crispin immediately rushed to my side, looking so worried.

What happened came back to my mind as I felt that my right hand hurts and I couldn't lift it.

Damn. That Florence bitch!

I closed my eyes. I don't know what to say and what to do. Magpapaliwanag ba ako? At paano ko ipapaliwanag?

Ito ang katotohanang pilit kong tinatakasan no'ng mga nakalipas na tao. But now, it seems like I have no way out anymore.

I'm already cornered.

It's such as shame. I am so ashamed because I turned out like this. They say I'm brave but I'm not. I ran away from the truth because I can't accept it.

I am a coward.

Now, I have nothing on me anymore. The only thing I am good at has finally came to an end. I feel so alone and sad. At ngayon ay kailangan ko pang harapin 'to...

Ang katotohanan.

"Masakit ba? Gaano kasakit? I think I need to call the doc—."

"No. H-Hindi na gano'n kasakit. Okay lang." I cut him off and looked away.

"Are you sure?"

Tumango ako.

"Why didn't you tell me about what happened?"

I sighed. "But now, you know."

"If only I knew back then, I wouldn't have said things related to that. I wouldn't have been insensitive."

I stared at the ceiling. Never did it crossed in my mind that I would be having a conversation like this with him. Siya pa?

"Of all people. Ikaw ang pinakaayaw kong makaalam."

"Why? Was it because you hate me so much?"

I sighed. "You saw how proud I was of my achievements and I don't want you to pity me because of what happened. I feared it so much. I was afraid that people would pity me because of the truth."

"I'm sorry." I was surprised when he suddenly kneeled.

Wait, why? He's making me feel worse!

"It was all my fault. I don't want to see you hurt, yet I was the reason why things turned out this way. I'm really sorry, Ry. Sorry for everything. Sa lahat ng mga nagawa ko noon, hanggang ngayon. Maybe you're right, hindi nga ako nagbago. Kasi hanggang ngayon sinisira ko pa rin ang buhay mo."

Natahimik ako. It's the very first time I saw him this way. He looked so different from his usual self. He looked disappointed, afraid, and ashamed. It's so unusual to see him lose his cool.

Umiling ako. This is not right. At pagod na rin ako, pagod na akong manisi at tumakbo mula sa katotohanan. Gusto ko ng tapusin 'to sa pamamagitan ng pagtanggap sa katotohanan, kahit na alam kong makakasakit ito sa akin.

I would've done that years ago but I was too scared of losing everything. Pero ngayon, pakiramdam ko ay sagad na ako at wala ng mawawala pa. All the things that are dear to me seemed to be gone already.

I can't continue being in denial, ayaw ko ng gawing kahinaan ang mga bagay na kinatatakutan ko dahil 'yon ang magpapahamak sa akin.

I want to be brave and being brave starts with small steps like this.