Red vs blue Private Sam (on hold)

S1E2 Reds get a delivery

Pan out on Grif and Simmons, who are approaching another Red soldier (Sarge) clad in red armor.

Sarge: Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.

Simmons: Ice cream social?

Simmons and Grif exchange looks.

Cut to Sarge.

Sarge: Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge crosses his arms, rolls his eyes and glares at Grif.

Sarge: (Sarcastically) That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!

Grif crosses his arms and rolls his eyes looking at Sarge.

Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

Simmons: Oh I'd do it, too.

Sarge: I know you would, Simmons. Good man. (brief pause) Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Grif: Crap. We're getting a rookie.

Sarge: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command.

Grif and Simmons exchange looks again.

Sarge turns towards a hill behind them.

Sarge: Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

A large, armor-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with a soldier in brown armor, Lopez, in the driver seat, who pulls up along side the Reds.

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: Shotgun! (realizes he is too late) Shit.

Sarge: May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.

Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it.

Sarge: It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

Cut to Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?

Cut to Sarge.

Sarge: Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Cut to Grif.

Grif: I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

Sarge: (after a brief pause) Say that again.

Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge and Simmons look at him confused.

Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma?

Simmons: Uh, you mean like the shoe company?

Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge stares at him.

Sarge: You're making that up.

Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge stares at Grif before looking at Simmons.

Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons smiles and gives a salute.

Simmons: Yes, sir!

Sarge: (pointing at the front of the Warthog) Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

Cut to Grif deadpanned at both of them.

Grif: A walrus.

Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

Cut to a view of the Reds through the sniper rifle scope.

Cut to Church, wielding the rifle, Sam wielding a assault rifle, and Tucker, wielding a M6D pistol.

Tucker: What is that thing?

Church lowers the rifle looking at warthog.

Church: I don't know, man. Looks like uh.. looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

Tucker looks at him shocked.

Tucker: (taken aback) A car? How come they get a car?!

Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

Tucker looks down sadly a pouts a little.

Tucker: (disappointed) You can't make out in a tank.

Sam sticks his tongue out as Church glares at Tucker.

Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're going to get a tank, and you're worried about making out. What did we agree on, man? And secondly, how are you gonna make out in a car that looks like that?

Tucker: (sighs) I remember. Don't talk about our relationship in front of you because you don't want to listen to me talk about Sam like that.

Hear that? Tucker and Sam are dating, who knew he was gay.

Church: So glad you remember to not talk about my sister like that.

Sam is actually short for Samantha and she's dating Tucker? Must have brain damage.

Tucker: What kind of car is it?

Church: (looking through the scope of the sniper rifle) I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.

Tucker and Sam look at church for awhile.

Tucker: ...What, like a puma?

Church: Yeah, man, there you go.

Sam: 'I agree.'

Cut to Red Team.

Sarge: So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

Grif: No, sir. No more suggestions.

Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

Grif: It's okay.

Sarge: Unicorn?

Grif: No really. Uh, I'm cool.

Sarge: Sasquatch?

Simmons: Leprechaun?

Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

Sarge: Phoenix?

Grif: (sighs) Christ.

Grif walks away as Sarge looks at Simmons.

Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.

Sarge looks back at Grif with a grin.

Sarge: Hey Grif, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.