Red vs blue Private Sam (on hold)

S1E7 Check Out the Treads on That Tank

Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle at Simmons in the back of the Warthog firing at Church, Sam and Tucker.

Caboose: Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun. (puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth) Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it. (runs off to the tank)

Church, Sam and Tucker are behind a rock with bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them.

Church: My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

Tucker: You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

Church: Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

Tucker: Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

Church: Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.

Sam peeks out to see that Simmons was going crazy with the gun while doing it Tucker was checking her out. Church notices and elbows him to stop.

Cut to Caboose hopping in the tank. As the canopy closes, the tank turns on.

Tank: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.

Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.

Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.

Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

Caboose: Okay.

Cut to Simmons firing the Warthog's gun with Grif on the ground behind him.

Grif: Simmons. SIMMONS!

Simmons stops firing, and steps down.

Grif: Man, that thing is loud.

Sheila drives by in the background.

Simmons: ...WHAT?

Grif: Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

Simmons: OKAY.

Grif: Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

Cut to Caboose having Sheila stranded on a tall rock and turning to try to get off.

Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.

Caboose: No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

Cut to Church peeking out from the side of the rock. Tucker and Sam is still standing behind it.

Church: (whispering) Psst, hey, they stopped firing.

Tucker: Why are you whispering?

Church: (whispering) Uhm... I don't know.

Sam: 'Thank goodness. I thought I was gonna be mute and deaf now. And both suck.'

Cut to Simmons and Grif standing at the foot of a cliff.

Grif: Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

Simmons: Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

Sheila rolls up right behind them.

Grif: Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

Sheila's turret looks at Grif, then at Simmons as they speak.

Simmons: Well, at least that was fun.

Grif and Simmons turn simultaneously to see the tank.

Grif: Holy CRAP. What in God's name is that thing?

Cut to Church, Sam and Tucker looking at the vacant Warthog.

Church: Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

Tucker: No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone.

Church: Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.

Church leaves to go look while Sam looks at the jeep, something didn't feel right with her.

Cut to Sheila's HUD. Her cross hair slowly homes in on Grif's head.

Grif: Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.

A tone goes off indicating target lock.