Red vs blue Private Sam (on hold)

S1E13 Human Peer Bonding

Fade in to Tucker on top of Blue Base looking at church and Sam in disbelief.

Tucker: Let me get this straight... You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend? And the reason why I never heard sam talk?"

Church: In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

Tucker looked at sam and put his hands on his hips.

Tucker: And you didn't say anything because?

Sam: 'it was funny you guys calling Tex a guy.'

Tucker rolls his eyes and looks at the twins.

Tucker: You two are definitely related.

Church: Beautiful isn't it. We both find it hilarious that you two mistake someone for a boy.... Well except caboose because he immediately knew Sam was girl.

Tucker: How did he figure it out?

Caboose: I knew because Sammy didn't like me and I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls never like me.

Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

Caboose look down sad.

Caboose: I like me...

Tucker: I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?

Church rolled his eyes and looked at him.

Church: I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.

Caboose looks at them confused.

Caboose: Wait, oh wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?

Church: Uh... because she's from Texas.

Caboose: ...Uh

Church: Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

Tucker: Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

Sam: 'We are pretty mean when our hormones kick in.'

Church: Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell. And yes it's worse when that kicks in.

Caboose: A.I... What's the A stand for?

Church looks annoyed.

Church: Artificial.

Caboose: ...What's the I-

Church: (interrupts) Intelligence.

Caboose: Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?

Church: Let's move on.

Tucker: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

Church: Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Tucker: Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper.

Church: So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

Caboose: I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot!

Church: Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

Tucker: There's just one thing that doesn't make any sense. If Tex is the reason why Sam can't talk, why are you still dating her?

Church: Oh, that. Apparently when we were taking a medical exam they forgot to mention that Sam had an infection in her throat and would kill her if they didn't remove if but that didn't happen until it got worse and since that happened removing it would kill her, so basically Tex did us a solid and saved Sam. In her own way.

Tucker: How'd you find out about it?

Church: Cause apparently Tex knew about the infection and decided to do something about it..... With her knife.

Tucker glances at Sam who was looking  at the sky. He looks back at Church.

Tucker: (whispers) I think cutting her throat did something to her brain.

Church: (whisper) Yeah, noticed that for the after affect.

Cut to Grif and Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint.

Grif: So, you're a girl, huh?

Tex just looked down.

Tex: ...

Simmons: Just ignore him, that's what I do.

Grif: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

Tex: Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Grif: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do? Punch me?

Tex leans in at Grif quickly. Grif flinches and steps back blocking his head.

Grif: Ahh! Not in the face!

Cut to Church on Blue Base.

Church: Well don't worry because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex.

Tucker: A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a ..mission statement?

Church: I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.

Caboose gets nervous and fidgets a little.

Caboose: (nervous) Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."

Church: The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the three of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base.

Tucker: Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get three suits of black armor?

Church looks at the teleporter, then Tucker looks at it too.

Tucker: (looks back at Church) ...Oh shitberries...