Red vs blue Private Sam (on hold)

S1E12 Down, but not Out

Grif: (heard in distance) Sim- Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

Fade in to Blue Base. Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle.

Caboose: Man... He is really kicking their asses.

Behind him was Sam and Tucker while Tucker crossed his arms looking annoyed.

Tucker: How come I never get the freaking sniper rifle?

Caboose: (lowers the rifle) I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Tucker: Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Caboose: Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

Tucker: It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.

Sam rolled her eyes at that and just continued to watch Tex.

Caboose: Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know, uh... nuh...

Tucker: Did Tex get in the base?

Caboose: (raises the rifle and watches Tex enter the base) Yeah.

Tex walked into the base, touches the flags and the flag stand in the Blue Base was empty until it reappears.

Male Game Voice: Blue Team, flag returned.

Tucker: What the...? Who said that?

Tucker, Sam and Caboose turn around and see Church standing there.

Church: (clears throat) Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

Church thumbed at the flag as caboose smiles.

Caboose: Hey, it's Church!

Church looks at Caboose and forces a half smile.

Church: Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose.

Caboose: (peppy) Hey, Church, what're you up to?

Church: Caboose, (laughs) ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?

Tucker immediately realizes what was going on and immediately decides to act.

Tucker: Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that.

Church rolled his eyes and placed his hand on his hip.

Church: Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?

Tucker shrugs and shakes his head.

Tucker: I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, elbow grease.

Church threw his hands into the angrily.

Church: Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

Caboose: (clueless) That Sidewinder is cold..!?

Sam could see that he was close to losing it with them.

Church: (grunts) What was the OTHER one thing I told you?

Tucker: Not to let him get involved?

Church: Right. And what did you do?

Tucker: ..We let him get involved.

Church: And not just a little involved. How involved?

Caboose: Very, very involved.

Church turned to Sam who was quiet and looking away awkwardly.

Church: You better have a pretty good reason not telling them.

Sam: 'To be honest, we had already contacted command and he was already here after you left.'

Church sighed through his nose and looked at them.

Church: Your lucky Sam's here or other wise I'd murder you two.

Caboose and Tucker nod in agreement.

Cut to Tex in the Red Base.

Sarge: (emerging from the left) Freeze.

Lopez emerges from the right, trapping Tex in.

Sarge: Drop your weapon.

Tex: (drops the gun) Hey, buddy.

Sarge: What.

Tex: You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Sarge hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out. Cut to Grif on the Red Base getting to his feet holding his head.

Grif: Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.

Simmons: (stands up from tending to Donut) He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.

Grif: Yeah, yeah, hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-

Simmons cuts him off by shaking his head and hand.

Simmons: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Grif: Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Simmons: Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.

Grif: Yeah, sure. Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking. (runs down the ramp)

Simmons: Whatever, no one likes you anyway.

Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle at Grif entering the Red Base.

Caboose: Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ... (inhales sharply as he has an epiphany) Or captured AND dead!

Church: (sarcastic) Oh, well that's just PERFECT!

Tucker: What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend and making Sam lose her voice.

Church sighed and looked at them after Sam gave him a thumbs up in encouragement.

Church: I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.

Tucker and Caboose looked at each other then back at Church and Sam who's shoulders were shaking trying to hold in her laughter.

Caboose: She?

Cut to inside Red Base with everyone but Donut present.

Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.

Sarge rolled his eyes and looked at Simmons annoyed.

Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command! (turns to Tex) Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.

Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back. There's a brief sound like a distorted voice.

Tex: (now sounding female) Oh great... You broke my voice filter. You bitch biting turds!

They stared at her in disbelief as Grif grinned.

Grif: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

There's a moment of silence, Tex put her hands on her hips and looked at them.

Tex: ...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?