Never Alone

Leaving Me

Everything was happening so fast, my heart hammering against my ribs. Fear rushed throughout my body as I fought. I couldn't hear the voices around me; being drowned out by my heavy breathing and my heart thumping in my ears. My eyes stayed on their target as it went through two large grey metal doors with many other people following close behind. I had been demanding to go with, but I was forbade. I was terrified and didn't know how to release some of it.

After they were gone, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, knowing it wouldn't help. With arms wrapped around my waist, I think Brooke was trying to squeeze the life out of me by the death grip that she had on me. She had been holding me back and doing a good job at it too. Now she was holding me up, without her support, I'd be on the ground. Realizing that I was helpless on getting to my dad now, I wrapped my arms around Brooke in return, holding her tightly in my arms. "Brooke..." I breathed, my voice quiet and defeated; filled with sadness and fear.

She pulled me down further and held me a little tighter, making me feel more secure as she repeated, "Jordan..." It was weird to think that a sixteen year old could comfort a nineteen year old, I was always the one to comfort her, not the other way around. But tell the truth, she was good at it. "Let's sit down," she whispered. I nodded and slowly walked with her to the chairs against the wall.

Minutes passed with me staring at the doors, waiting for them to open to my dad and without cancer growing inside him. Those minutes let me down. "Jordan?" I heard Brooke say quietly beside me. I didn't respond, nor did I look away from the doors. "Jordan?" Her voice was concerned and pleading, but I still didn't respond to her. "Jordan, look at me..." She whispered softly. I slowly turned my eyes on her, my eyes were broken, but guarded as well. Tears have yet to escape my eyes. She looked sad and worried as she looked up into my eyes, "I'm sorry..." She didn't know what else to say, she didn't tell me that 'everything's going to be okay' because she didn't know if it would be or not. I took her hand in mine and gently squeezed it. I put my forehead to hers and kissed her softly.

"Don't be," I told her simply, my voice low. She sighed and leaned into me. We didn't know what else to say, for us, there was nothing to say.

A little while later, mom came into the hospital doors with tears running down her face. I jumped up and went to hug her. She completely fell apart in my arms. "Jordan!" She cried on my shoulder and hugged me for dear life. Hearing my mom son made my all ready aching heart, ache some more.

"Shhh....mom....please don't cry," I soothed quietly as I rocked us back and forth. She only hugged me. I stayed quiet as well.

We waited....And waited....And waited.

I felt empty for every passing minute that my dad stayed behind those doors, after only minutes more, I felt weightless and I could float away. I wanted so badly just to float away from this place, to somehow avoid what could come of the future. Brooke held me down though. Her hand softly caressing the back of mine as she leaned on my shoulder. My mom was on the other side of me with her face in her hands.

I kissed Brooke's head before resting my cheek on it.

Suddenly, a man in a long white lab coat walked over towards us, we weren't the only ones waiting on a loved one. "Jordan Hart?" I got up and walked with him a few feet away, Brooke came along, squeezing my hand tighter than before, just in case. My mom stayed seated, not wanting to hear the news; expecting the worst. "You're the son?" I nodded silently in acknowledgment, anticipating for the answer. My hand stroked Brooke's due to my anxiety as I waited for his words that would release me from my will not to cry, and to put me out of my misery. "Mr. Hart....I'm sorry, but your father is dying. He only has minutes left." Brooke quietly gasped from what he said. Standing there, frozen and I felt numb. I dropped to my knees and covered my face, everything that I've come to know, come to be, collapsing around me. I am no longer who I am, I'm crumbling inside, my heart shattering as his heart wrenching words bounced around in my mind. My dad was dying, his voice, his face, all of that....gone....they exist now only in my memory and pictures. The only dad that I'll ever have....gone, won't live to see me marry, won't live to see my first child, any of them. He won't be there to answer my questions, he won't be there when I need him most. He won't be there to tell me everything is okay. He's just........gone....