Never Alone

Never in My Life Have I

I have been walking around my house countless times, not seeing anything interesting. If something was out of place? I just left it there... I didn't have a reason to move it. My mind has gone numb since Brooke left my house...my house was a prison now, it was empty and cold...just like my heart. I felt distant from everything, I have grown un-apetized; I haven't been hungry for hours. Colors weren't bright; rather they were dull and sad...like I was. A dull ache has made my heart its home, it really hurts.

It wasn't an understatment when I said that I longed for the past. I felt abandoned and lost, like a child in the woods who couldn't find their way out. My bones were chilled and begging for warmth that was tantalizing. I had no where to go, no one to talk to, I was beyond lost and I really needed someone to talk to.

I walked to my room and took a scorching hot shower. I stood there, letting the hot water cascade down my skin. I could hear Brooke's echoing voice in my head, I could almost see her beautiful face too....

"Does it hurt? Getting a tattoo?" I let out a ragid breath. Her eyes were gorgeous orbs of ocean blue that surrounded the Florida Keys...nothing could be more beautifiul and untouchable. "Because....I kind of wanted to get one...." Her voice was distant and echoing like before...I wanted to see her speak, I wanted to touch her voice... I wanted to breathe in her scent, I wanted to kiss her face... I wanted to hold her in my arms and promise that nothing could hurt her anymore, like it was before I told her the whole truth. I wanted to love her the way she deserved and wake up every morning knowing that she'd be there beside me. I wanted to be the one to take her pain away, I wanted to be the one to call her mine. I wanted to be the one that would take the fault even if it meant me getting in severe trouble. I wanted our arguments to end with her winning, even when I know that I'm right. I wanted her heart to beat with mine, I wanted to be the one that she'd see first thing in the morning. I wanted to be the one to make her soup and massage her aching body when she was sick, I wanted to be the one that would cuddle her on a cold or stormy night. I wanted to be the one that would hold her tight whenever she got scared.

I wanted to be so much, but could possibly come out to be nothing....

I dragged myself out of the shower, never in my whole life have I been this lazy and uncaring about what I was doing. I trudged over to my dresser to get dressed for the day...seeing as I wasn't going to get any sleep. After I was done, I went down to the kitchen to cook something...I didn't even know what I was doing...but like I said...I didn't care. I had become unconnected with myself and my emotions. Burning whatever was in front of me, I put it on a plate and ate it anyways...nothing that I haven't tasted before....

I tossed my half eaten plate next to the sink and looked out the window...sun was coming up...I sighed and shut the blinds. Seeing anything bright or beautiful would only make me want to see Brooke's gorgeous blue eyes even more than I do now...which is at its fullest.

...

All day I have done nothing... Skipped college for the day, haven't cleaned the house, haven't washed the clothes, haven't washed the dishes...absolutely nothing. I couldn't do anything. My limbs were stiff with ache and loneliness. Never in my life have I ever felt so useless and lonely, never felt as unloved as I do now, I could've prevented that.... My heart hurt with excruciating pain that I didn't know how to get rid of. Brooke was the only cure, and I didn't know how to get her back.

Never in my life have I been more angry about something. I'm not angry at Brooke, never could I stay mad at her. I'm angry at myself. Brooke was right... Why didn't I just leave her alone instead of trying to make things better by caring for her? I've only made it worse... How could I have been so pathetic and stupid? She would've never started to like me if I would've stayed away...she wouldn't have been hurt this bad...she wouldn't even have to find out in the first place....