Mornings were never a Shehnaaz thing. They never developed likings for each other.Earlier in her school ,she would wake up at 3 In morning to study.But as she grew older she had fallen out of this habit.Good or bad , college and hostel ,made her romance night life .
It was once again the same date, years earlier ,the same date ,she had woken up to her phone ringing.Her dad had called her ,telling her to come home, as her mother was unwell. The way her dad was crying and the condition her mother had been ,made it no difficult for Shehnaaz to guess that she was dead.To her own surprise, the first question she had asked was ,how would she leave College to reach home, when she had to appear in an exam day after.
Thinking of all this Shehnaaz had woken up a little grumpy.She needed to talk to neela about something, but didn't have her number .She could get that from rita aunty she thought. But the idea of disturbing them so early in morning made her confused.So switching on the gas ,she made aloo paranthas and along with dahi ,stood outside rita ji's door.
Siddharth was just back from gym ,when he heard the knock at door.He quickly opened,to his surprise, Shehnaaz stood there with two bowls in hand ."Andar aaja ...Good morning ....suabh suabah?", he questioned.
" Sorry yrr meko neela ka number chahiye tha ...toh aunty se lene aa agyi...and disturb karne ki apology hai.yeh....",she said pointing to paranthas, keeping them on dining table.
"Paranthe hai...breakfast k liye!", when she saw Siddharth confused.
"Wow...but mom toh ghar pe nahi ha.", he answered.
"Ohh!! I m sorry aapko disturb kar dia ",she reacted apologizing quickly.
She was about to leave when she heard Siddharth say,"shehnaaz paranthe llayi hai ...sath me kar le breakfast?"
Sitting on the table in white and yellow she looked like a duckling.Sidharth chuckled mentally thinking that.
"Ek baat bolu ?", she asked bringing him out of trance."Aap na actor ho ...celebrities types ,meko toh initially laga attitude wale hoge." ,she confessed .
"Par tumne toh bola tumne penchana hi nahi? Phir kaise laga?", sidharth said
.
"Arey net pe search kia na sidharth tv actor ko...fir sab pta chal gya!" ,she said absent-mindedly.
"Sab Pata chal gya ...fir bhi yaha baithi ho?", he asked looking into her eyes.
If she knew all , it meant she had read all those articles. About his accident, arguments on sets ,his being violent ...almost being physically abusive, throwing tantrums ,being high on sets....and what not. He did not want that. Not that those articles made a difference to what he was ,but something in him did not want those eyes to look at him through the same lens.
Instead of answering she smiled painfully,maybe believing it maybe not."Siddharth they don't make a difference to what I see in you...you to me would always be how u are to me."
Bang on and she had hit the bulls eye.Did she read his mind? Was she a magician?
"Mai teko drop kar du ga..", your clinic falls on my way", he added.
Shehnaaz was about to deny when he again spoke ," mana nahi karna...my way of saying thanks for breakfast."
"Tere ghar me kon kon hai", he asked while shehnaaz sat next to him in car.
She replied giving details of her family.
Shed wonderd if Harinder's family was any longer hers?
The day for Shehnaaz had been a smooth one .she attended to patients .
For sidharth however ,the day wasn't an ideal one .He had entered into an ugly fight with his co actor, the one he had initially refused to act with.The situation had spiralled out of hand and sidharth had ended up hitting the wall next to the woman's face; terrifying the people over there as well as injuring himself.The shoot had been subsequently called off and Siddharth, well he had ventured into the grey area of hitting a bar.
Shehnaaz entered the lift when she heard two women gosssip about some one who had lost her husband to death."sindoor tak nahi lagati thi...abhi aish se ghoom fir rahi h ...kha gyi us aadmi ko!", Shehnaaz heard them say.
Her sane brain told her it wasn't for her ,but it again tricked her.Once again she could feel the walls of the lift closing on to her ,the air wasn't fresh anymore.
As soon as she reached her floor ,Shehnaaz rushed to her apartment. She switched on the AC ,and quickly got rid of her clothes.She sat on floor, recalling her therapist ,"one slip and that's it!".Tears slowly trickled down her eyes , crying both at her Condition and her fate.Maybe she cried for her dead husband too. She got up and quickly turned to drawer taking their wedding photo out ,looking at him and crying. Suddenly she felt this, the urge to feel something in all thsi numbness, or maybe punish herself.She walked ,a crying mess ,not in a state of consciousness to the kitchen counter,taking a knife she sat down. The urge to hurt was strong.,but stronger was her will of not walking that road again.But her despair took over ,she slid the sharp edge through.
It made a slight surgical cut near her elbow,Shehnaaz had found her release.
Blood and tears flowed and then stopped later.
Shehnaaz had fallen asleep like that .The hunger she felt was the only thing she had been feeling ever-since Harinder.Fully conscious she slid to bath.,got fresh and prepared herself some dinner ,completely ignoring the grief she had carved out on her hand.
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I write for happiness .
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