Life might not be a bitch to all, but it surely is to some.Many a times a person grows as old as an oak, but does not grow;so it is not the number of years that passed by ,but the number of times life happened that makes you old.Crazy thing is, some one said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ".Bullshit, that is.Life hadn't managed to kill Shehnaaz, not because it could not,but simply because it did not want to.What could be more pleasing than making her go through hell while she was alive.Well life she had, was surely better than than many others ,but was that her fault?She used to question destiny long long back.But one after another,life came with punches and she got no answers ,whatsoever. So giving up the fight ,she had accepted what ever came her way.That was her peace. She had accepted Harinders death ,completely, just like she had accepted him as her husband.
Today marked 6 months of his death. Time flew quickly, it had been over a month of Shehnaaz being in Mumbai. Not that she had forgotten her life back home or it was any better here.But people didn't know her ,they had no back story on her ,and it was a relief to her.Mumbai had become an escape to her.During this time ,she had grown closer with Rita ,she was being a mother Shehnaaz didn't have.Rita was generous and full of love .she understood that loving only increases the amount of love one had in oneself ,so she loved Shehnaaz as her own.Her bond with Ria had grown multifolds ,when ever Ria would want to have a break or would want to chill ,or would want to eat pizza without anyone complaining she would show up at Shehnaaz's place.
Preeti ,Sidharth's sister was fond of Shehnaaz. She loved her like a friend and a daughter.
Shehnaaz had gotten closer to Sidharth.Not that they had shared their lives with each other, but knew that both carried the burdens of a broken story in their hearts and respected that.
It was 6 months od Harinder's death and Shehnaaz had woken up feeling weird.Not a single time during these 6 months had she seen Harinder in a dream.But last night had changed that.It wasn't a dream remarkable enough to remember,but she remembered. She and Harinder had been sitting at her naani's garden planting a flower. Their dog a dalmatian talked to her words.Her nani wasn't there, it was Rita ji over there,the garden was next to a beach...it was sunset and her daughter took out the moon from a man hand,whose face she could not see and planted it in sky.
Her mind drifted to the flashes of the dream .She called Harinder's parents.
"Tusi thik ho?", she asked.
"Puttar ah tere toh vad kon jaanda aa..ki kadi kadi ...thik na hona vi galat ni", Harinder's dad spoke.
"Yaad aati h uski beta....bacha tha na..kya kare...!" ,her mother in law spoke.
They talked and talked , her in laws were people of solid character. If Harinder hadn't died ,they would have been a family .
Holding the phone, she recalled that dreadful day, she missed Harinder, maybe.He was her friend and a husband too .Well love,might not be the word ,but she sincerely wished he were here,and she still be his married wife.
Tears trick you ,they speak a language of clouds ; the heavier the eyes get,the quicker they flow. She didnt know she was crying until she saw her reflection in mirror as she went to open the door, that somebody was ringing.
"Kya hua ,Sidharth's mother asked?",as she saw a broken girl; exercising all her power not to cry.
That was it for sana ,she lost.Like it happens ,as soon a brave person finds a soft spot.,he tears up.And Rita ji's words did exactly the same to Shehnaaz. They gave her a space; and she melted in their warmth. Shehnaaz threw herself into the older woman's embrace. Clinging on to her ,crying louder. Rita ji ,at first was taken aback by her reaction,but then held Shehnaaz tighter closer.
"Kya baat ha mera baccha ....kya ho gya ...kyu ro rahi h gudiya...".,she spoke.
Shehnaaz cried even louder, scaring rita ji.
"Ma hu na beta...aaja bta beta ....bas bas aise ni ....nahi rote beta aise....kya ho gaya....shh shaant hobja...".,she spoke as she held Shehnaaz in her embrace and walked her to the room .
"Ma ...maine ni kia ...kabhi bhi...kuch bhi...phir meko kyu....woh kyu gaya ...Harinder toh axcha tha mai hi buri hu....woh kyu gya ...uske parents ki halat ni dekhi jati....woh log itne acche hai....Mai chali jati uske jagah...", Shehnaaz cried.
Her words weren't clear, she could not speak properly, she gasped for air...and kept crying.While Rita ji held her closer.
Sidharth had just stepped outside his apartment, when he heard someone's cry full of pain.He knew it was her.Even if there were a billion people speaking, he could identify her voice.Shehanaaz had a peculiar voice. For a nano second he could not move.,his feet stood frozen. The pain in her voice had not come from her vocal cords, her soul was grieving itself. It was in pain ,àll of this ,the pain was ages old and it was tearing apart,all old wounds of this life and older were coming to surface
He raced quickly and reached her apartment. Getting inside he saw a scene, which made him want to put all stars ablaze . There she lay,absolutely loathing her self ,while his mother tried her best to provide her the warmth Shehnaaz needed . He didn't understand a word of all she spoke , but he could feel it,she pitied herself and she hated herself even more for feeling this pity.There was a part of her blaming herself, for all that had befallen,she held herself responsible, she called herself what not , to have been bestowed with a fate as such.
Sidharth didn't understand a bit,but all he knew was that he needed to be the one holding her, letting her cry or not,,but it was him whom she needed. Taking her trembling form in his hands, he held her head to his chest ,tightening his grip around her arm ,he kept running fingers in her head ,hair ,whatever he could get hold of;while he signaled his mother to get water.
Shehnaaz quitened a bit,but her breathing was still erratic. Sidharth panted a kiss on her forehead and head, a number of times,while whispering to ears a song that stars had composed for them.
Rita ji went to kitchen ,on counter she saw it again. The picture with Shehnaaz and Harinder. She understood a thing .Harinder had not left Shehnaaz, he had left everything and everyone .The picture seemed a recent one..her heart pained.She kept the picture upside down .
Giving water to Shehnaaz, she spoke "Abhi aaj k liye koi kaam nahi...chal mere saath...udr pe araam karegi!"
Shehnaaz looked at her amazed .
"Ma hu na ...ma ko sab pata hota h ....chal ab..muh dho....Sidharth beta isko saath le k aana ...aur iski koi ni suna !", she spoke leaving the two of them.
Shehnaaz looked at Sidharth, his eyes were so soft when they fell in her. She looked at him trying to read his mind.
"Poocho ge nahi kuch?"she questioned looking straight into the light that made his soul.
But did he need to know, he knew it didn't he.Of course materially he had no clue of her story, but the fairies in sky had whispered her agony and his heart recognized it abruptly. She was in pain and he was too.
He nodded his head in denial.No he wasn't going to ask.What kind of man was he?.
"Chal aaja ", he held her hand and made her walk.
Taking her to guest room, he made her lie with her back resting with bed.Turned the AC on and put a quilt on her.
"Mai bahr ja raha hu...shoot pe...tu idr hi milni chahiye meko...jab mai aau!..samjhi?"he said .
"Aur ha mom ko tang ni karna....jo kahe ...sab kehna mane gi?"
She smiled at nodded. She could not fight with him.; never.
