Pain is a manifestation of something that is wrong deep in systems.In Shehnaaz's case both the presence nad absence of pain were the problem.True to her character she would either feel nothing at all or all at once.Both were overwhelming, and scary in their own respective ways.
"Masi mere toh nahi Hunda hun....mainu araam naal son da man karda aa....ae kad khatam hou ga"(masi ...i can't do it any longer...i want to sleep peacefully....when would this end ).
"Putt honsla rakh na....jis insaan ka maloom hi uski baat ka kya bura maan na...he is your dad...n kuch bhi ho jae....he would still be your dad...bacche dil te nahi laina kuj vi...you are so strong....your mom would be so proud" ,she continued, "mera putt....chal smile kar."
Shehnaaz smiled to the screen .The lady on the otherside was her sanity.Shehnaaz loved her beyond words could describe, infact she had been more a mother to Shehnaaz than her own mother.
"Chal...when your dad goes back to punjab...i will visit you...n we would go to spa and salon...n it would be my treat...to my princess."
Shehnaaz was an occult creature of chaos.She had the powers of both creation and destruction.Her strength lied not in blossom if flowers, but in the fire.The wild one that often destroyed the forests before they are replanted. She was a intergalactic phenomenon in occurring.The turmoil ,the chaos ,her understanding of world often got to her.And in those moments when she would feel pulses of nothing and everything in between ,Shehnaaz would often let loose of control to have some control.Like a hundred more times that she had done, Shehnaaz had used her classic old Shehnaaz's trusted manner of taking control, by losing it.
She had once again used a BP blade to make an incision on her wrist. Everything was still the same, she had been in therapy,but the slip happened. The only thing different for today was,she hated herself a bit more today.She hated herself for feeling for Sidharth, for letting him into her life,making him a part of chaos she was.
"Mom....pri kab tak aae gi?.....aise time lagega...",he told as he prepared for the Pooja.
"Preeti...aaja....kab tak aaege?"
The family was done with preparation for pooja.It was his dad's birthday and like a tradition his family would have a small pooja every year.
Dressed in a grey suit with white palazzo, Shehnaaz looked beautiful even in the most simplest of attires.Her dad had woken her up for the pooja.Shehnaaz told him that she did not want to go.But he had reasoned saying bina matlab scene nahi karna.
"Welcome beta....bahisaab aayie...",Rita welcomed them.
"Kaisi hai...bacche?",she asked holding Shehnaaz's chin up.
Shehnaaz's smiled ,nodding her head,almost inaudibly whispering that she was good.
It felt off.A few days ago she would spend all her time in the same house. The Sidharth ,the one who had till now not spared her a glance, had kept her pestering with irritating questions like a child.She missed him calling her moti, hitting her head with his fingers,pulling her into his room, ,whispering to her,kissing her,touching her with honor.Today she felt like a stranger, his family was still the same, loving and sweet,but he wasn't, he behaved as if her sight would burn his eyes.Piece by piece ,whatever progres she had made with herself reversed. Her trauma, was relapsing,like a real physical cancer.She knew her home had been burnt ,yet once again.
"Nahi....mai toh Shehnaaz ko saath lene aaya tha....abhi luggage she will take later...but she would come along....aakhir kab tak aise anjaan shehar me akele rahe gi....ghar toh ghar hota h na...besides she has a life there,job h....family h...
Woh toh iski zidd thi....she wanted to mourn Harinder privacy me...toh we let her be....ab bass....ghar chalne wa waqt hogya."
His words kept ringing in her ears.Again and again like the steel plate being hit.She wanted to scream at him and tell him,she was not going anywhere ,but she couldn't. She stood there staring at the decision that had been imposed on her.
Sidharth could not believe what he had heard.She had a job back home, with the government of Punjab,she had been on a leave here.She had come here to mourn Harinder in privacy. He never knew she loved him? For the first time in the day,his eyes went to her face,she looked beautiful but something was off?Sidahrth could not make sense of anything.
"Papa at least you should have asked me before announcing this....how can i come back?",she questioned her dad coming back .
"What is there to ask....you have a job there ....beta...you were never going to stay here forever....yaha you came....kyuki...you needed time to recover from his death and now that woh ho gya....plzz pack your bag we ate leaving....baad me aa k we will take the rest."
"Papa ....please sometime....aise kaise..",she tried speaking.Breaking chains which hold years of dominance is not an easy job.Shehnaaz ,even in heights of time ,had never gone against her dad,it was not respect or love ,but pure fear.She was scared of the man,she feared him and he had like always used this.
"Okay ...let me talk to Harinder's mom.
." Before Shehnaaz could finish her sentence the man jumped in.
"Unko kya call karni h.....marr gya unka beta ....àb ho gya poora tamasha....come back home....we will find you a nice groom ".
She could not tolerate it.No body ,absolutely nobody was allowed to talk of Harinder like that.She may not have been in love with Harinder, but he was her best friend, her knight in shining aromour and she would never digest those words for him.
"Bacche is baar apne liye ladna...",she remembered the words Harinder's mother had told her...."you are worth the fight..."
Her face devoid of any expression, she spoke in a clear authoritarian, dominant voice,just like Sidharth, " i am not going anywhere ,papa.....aapko jana h toh jao....but i am not going....mai yaha apne liye aai thi...n i am good here....toh i will stay here."
Shehnaaz putting a fight against her dad was a first.She had never done that earlier ,today she had been a rebellion .Her mother in law was a great woman,she thought as her words kept repeating in her ears.
"Bacche I am sure ...there must be a misunderstanding, she will not go like that.",Rita told her son.
Sidharth had been so angry with Shehnaaz that he did not even react to her going away.Sidharth not reacting was not good, a bottled up Sidahrth could never be good.
"Mom it doesn't matter....she is a lier....she lied to me.and I will never forgive her for this....achha hai.
..wapis jae.....Shakal nahi dekhni uski life long"
Sidahrth was so agitated that it scared Rita.In a slight moment of chaos ,she cursed Shehnaaz the same pain Sidahrth was feeling.It was wrong, but Rita was at the least fault.A vulnerable mother, seeing her son suffer?She wished that she could wipe Shehnaaz from past months of their lives .
It was late night and Sidahrth had been watching news.He had blocked her, he did not want any of her.The day had been long and tiring .It had exhauseted them all,he had made up his mind to let her go. Ultimately who was she anyways?....they had known each other for months only!
The bell to his apartment rang.Rita was about to get up when Sidharth spoke, "mom aap ruko....let me check."
He opened the door,it was her,Shehnaaz. She looked like a broken star breathing last.
As soon as she saw him,she let out a sharp gasp of air from her mouth.Her arms went around him,as she held on to him.She did not hold any of her Weight on her legs,she leaned on to him,breaking down into sobs.
Hey !
Thanks for reading.
I write for happiness .
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