Black Feather Falls (COMPLETE)

DANIEL'S THOUGHTS 🖤

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm lying to myself.

There is so much mystery surrounding me: my birth; my family; my powers; my sexuality and even my existence on a whole. I had no clear-cut idea of what, or even who I was. I don't know anything about who I am ... and that's terrifying.

Have you ever seen a metal box before? You know, the ones with a rectangular slot large enough to fit food through? The ones with no bars or grill, just steel on all sides? Yeah, those. I felt like I was trapped within those four perfect cubic walls, and at every other point in time, information masquerading as food would be force fed to me. I was tired. I was full. I AM full. But am I, really?

I have allowed myself to be strung along this path and though contested have I at many points, I couldn't stop - no matter how badly I wanted to. I just wish someone would see me more than just ... a means to an end.

I want to know about who or what I am and what I did and didn't do, but I also want to be a normal person. How does that work? I don't know. I feel like I'm at my breaking point, yet I'm functional. *chuckles* whatever that means. I felt darkness on the horizon and I knew ... something wicked was coming.

I don't know how to formulate coherent, logical thoughts ... I've never been able to ... make sense. I knew I was broken, but everything I have been through has damaged me –beyond repair.

They're all here, and they all love me – and I believed it .... I think. I love these people but my mind and my heart are clouded, beleaguered and bloated from point A to Z. The more I try to make sense of everything, the less I began feeling like myself. I am terrified and that's why I ran away. That's the real reason.

I didn't want to face the uncertainty of my future. I didn't want to exist in a world where everyone wanted me to the version of me that best suited their needs. I just wanted to be me. But who even was I ...AM I?

I'm broken.

I know it.

You knew it too.

I just feel like a visitor in my own mind. It's like someone is there telling me to do this and every time I attempted to usurp authority and be autonomous – I felt guilt eat me alive. I have all these voices in my head and the more they speak, the less I heard me.

I'm a puppet on someone's elaborate strings. Yet still I persevered. Even though I'm terrified of the hunter, the darkness ... the covenant and all the malevolence extant in my life, I came back. Titania's prophecy about the Fall of Three Worlds was too portentous and bone chilling for me to ignore. I love these people and if I could save them from total annihilation, I would try. Then comes the truth behind my feigned hero complex .......

I ran from my demons, only to find myself clutched in their warm embrace once again. I want to help them but I want to save myself more. I don't even know what the fuck I want to say, because honestly, all I want to fucking do is cry.

I want to cry.

I want to scream because I WANT TO KNOW WHO the fuck I AM, BUT I'm too terrified of the truth. So, I cling to any semblance of a fantasy of who I feel like I want to be ... and I want to be normal.

Normal.

There's that word.

The only time I felt ... normal or even at peace was when I was with him.

I see Zachary and feel more than I've ever felt for anyone in my whole life, and wonder if it's the unbiased pull of love, drawing me toward him; or if it's just my darkness luring him to his inevitable death. Barring my pessimistic thoughts, I just want him to be happy and safe. But as okay I as I thought I was with that being fulfilled by anyone with good intentions, I realized that maybe the truth was that I wanted to be that person. The one he runs to and called out to in times of peril. I want to be the one he loves.

My heart feels more love for him than any I have ever known in my life. Yet, something in my heart felt loving him was disloyal. One half of my heart felt abysmal love for him, but the other half felt as though he was a replacement. Yes, I know that it is implausible for I've loved none.

The concept of love - true love - angered me deeply. Never had I seen any true display of it. In some way, shape or form, it would chip, bleed and crumble. But I can't ignore what my heart is feeling - about him ... replacement and all.

If never in my life had I loved, then why am I plagued by thoughts saying otherwise??!!! I warred with the thoughts in my head.

I feel I just need rest.

Eternal rest.