I decided not to snuff it (meaning kill myself) after all.
The afternoon that Baz died, I came home, sopping wet from the rain, and stayed in my room all night. And I stayed in my room the next day, too, crying, and essentially not existing.
I'm really not sure how long I stayed in my room because I lost track of time. I ate only a few times, and I showered maybe every three days or so.
It must've been about a week where I cut myself off from the world, but it could've been longer. I didn't think about time though. What I thought about was how guilty I felt about letting Baz drive drunk. I blamed myself for his death.
I wished I had jumped off the bridge, and I felt like there was nothing to live for anymore. And with Baz gone, my supply of free heroin was gone, too, and heroin was what made life tolerable.
"Courtney! What the hell are you doing!?" I heard my mom scream from downstairs one night.
I didn't answer.
Moments later, I heard my doorknob rattling.
"Fuck off!" I yelled.
"What are you doing in there! Are you watching porn or something! You better not be!".
"I'm not! Leave me alone!".
My mom sighed. "Sometimes I'd rather you be dead.".
***
One night, once I got a tiny bit of motivation back, I plugged in my phone, which had been dead ever since the afternoon Baz died.
I had 36 texts.
What the fuck?! Where did all those come from?! I thought.
I opened up my messages and saw that all of them were from Billie.
"Oh, fuck…" I said out loud.
Babe, what's wrong?? Are you okay??
If you're thinking about suicide, don't do it. Please, babe. You have so much ahead of you.
Courtney????? Are you still there????? Answer me
Don't do it Courtney, please don't do it
Those were just a few of the texts from Billie. I had obviously worried him.
I knew I should get back to him, but it was already 11 at night by the time I saw those texts, days after he sent them.
So I went to bed still thinking about them and worrying about whether or not Billie would be mad at me, planning on visiting him tomorrow.
YOU ARE READING
PULLING TEETH {Billie Joe Armstrong)
FanfictionLoving her is like pulling teeth. 16 year old Courtney has abusive parents, a heroin addiction, and a problem with harming herself. Billie Joe Armsrtrong, her new neighbor, has his own struggles, too. He used to be in a band, and he used to be a ro...
