Silence

4

Thinking about it at work makes the dreams worse. The nightmares. I'm back there again, hiding in the closet with my hand over my mouth to not make a sound while I hear my family get murdered.

I bathe in sweat as I wake up screaming. My forgotten voice rings in my ears. I jump out of bed. Pace around. Heart pounding. When will I be free from this? When will I stop punishing myself? When will I forget?

My notebook is on my nightstand. I get back in bed and open it. Going over words in my head. Putting them together. Expressing my feelings on a blank paper.

Empty

I miss them
God if I miss them
They were everything to me
and now everything's gone
Like a falling star, beautiful,
but far too short

The more I look around
The more I see them
In everything I do
And everywhere I go

I feel empty, numb,
But I can't fill that hole
Where my heart used to be
But I just can't seem to cry

I manage to calm down. Writing poems is my escape. I somehow fall back to a dreamless sleep. The alarm wakes me up. It's Friday. I just lay in bed for a while. A smile lingers on my lips. Today I'm gonna hang out with Louis after work. I'm excited. Anxious. But excited.

I take a shower. Get ready for work. Hoping that the day will go by fast. I show up at work, get through the silence and whispers. I hardly even notice it because he's there with two cups of coffee waiting at my desk. Smiling.
"Good morning." He says, somewhat signing it with his hands full. Gives me a cup.

"Good morning." I sign back.

"Finally Friday!" He grins.

"Finally." I silently agree.

"Are we still on for tonight?" He signs.

"Yeah." I answer, heart taking an extra beat. What if he has changed his mind?

"Good. We'll sort out the details during lunch. I better get to my desk. The sports won't wait for me." He winks and heads off.

I smile and take a sip of the coffee before I turn on the computer. I go through my e-mails. It mainly focuses on American celebrities today. One of the Kardashians has almost assaulted a paparazzi for coming too close. Who could blame them? I sigh and continue to open emails. I glance at the time. It goes so slow.

When it's finally time for lunch Louis swings by my desk to pick me up, knowing by now that I would never walk into the break room by myself. We got down at our usual table. I can't believe I have a usual table. So much has changed since Louis started working here.

We small talk with our hands. I watch him eat some microwave food. I have to ask.
"You don't seem to cook much?" I sign.

He laughs.
"I don't know how."

That surprises me.
"Really?" I sign.

"Yeah. Can you cook?" He signs back.

"I can." I reply with a quick hand gesture. Many, many days alone have thought me.

"Awesome. Then you'll have to cook for me sometime." He smiles.

I smile back and nod my head. I like that. Making future plans. As if we're gonna hang out more after tonight.
"So where do you live?" He asks.

I give him my address.
"Then we're on the same subway line! Meet on the tube? Let's say cart two. 19.45 train?" He says, hands flying in the air as he speaks.

I agree. We return to our desks. I put in some work. I have trouble concentrating. Get stuck on a line. Somehow finish my column. Rush up as soon as the workday ends. Stop by Louis' desk.
"See you later." I sign. Have to make sure.

He smiles and nods. Gets up as well. We leave together. Take the same train. I get off before him. He waves goodbye.

I step into the shower a second time today. I take my time. It has been so long since I had the opportunity to get ready for a night out. I fix my hair. Brush my teeth. Shave. Use my good aftershave. The one that has just been standing in my cabinet, unopened. Spend too much time in front of the closet. Trying to find something to wear. I should have gone shopping.

I'm getting stressed out. Trying on different outfits. Nothing is good enough. I glance at the time. My heart jumps. I have to be going soon. Where did the time go?

I settle on some black skinny jeans and a black button-up shirt. I put on my boots, grab my coat and take one last look in the mirror before I head out, rushing to the nearest subway station, nervous that I will miss the train. I don't.

He looks up and smiles as I enter. I sit down next to him. Return the smile.
"You look nice." He signs.

Oh. I blush a little. I'm not used to getting compliments.
"Thank you. So do you." I reply.

We get off two stations later. He leads me to an Irish pub. We find a booth a sit down.
"Some pub sandwiches? Tap beer?" He signs.

"Sure." I agree.

He gets up and heads to the bar to place our orders. He returns with two beers and hands me one. Takes a seat. Starts to small talk. Asks me questions with his hands. Favorite movie. Favorite book. That sort of thing.

Our food arrives. Not that I would call sandwiches food but he seems to have a love for it. We dig in. It tastes good. I buy our second round of beers. This is nice. Drinks and conversation.

We're interrupted by someone shouting Louis. I pretend that I don't hear. Years of training. I don't even look up at the man who's approaching our table.
"Hi mate! I didn't know you were gonna be here tonight."

They're hugging. I look up. Gasp. I know that person. Or I did. A lifetime ago. He looks at me.
"Harry? Oh my God! I can't believe it. Hi! It's been ages! How have you been?" He's smiling excitedly. I want to die.

"He can't hear you, Niall." Louis chuckles.

Niall furrows his eyebrows. He looks confused.
"What do you mean?"

"He's deaf." Louis explains.

"Since when? Harry?" Niall asks, looking between us.

Louis looks at me too. Surprised. Confused. I have to get away. Panicking. I sign "I'm sorry."

I get up. Bolt out of the pub. Running. I can hear Louis shout my name behind me. I run faster. I find the subway station. A train is about to leave. I manage to get inside before the door closes. I look up. Louis is standing outside the train staring at me. I have never felt more ashamed.