Silence

20

"Why can't I just talk?" I sign. Frustrated.

My therapist leans back. Looks at me.
"Do you want to?" She questions.

That throws me off. I have to consider it.
"Yes. I think so."

"What's stopping you?" She questions.

I sigh. Drag a hand through my hair. Sign.
"I don't know! I just can't. It's been too long."

"Harry, don't stress about it. Let it come naturally. Don't force it. The fact that you want to talk is a huge process. You have control of your life now. You decide. If you don't want to, that's okay too. If you can't get over that barrier, that's okay too." My therapist says.

I guess. I have to stop pressuring myself. That's true. We talk about my trauma after that. She asks me to repeat it again. It's easier. I can talk about it now (or sign at least) without a full-blown panic attack.

Louis is waiting for me when I'm done. I've asked him to go look at cameras with me. Since I realized the value of a picture I want to learn how to photograph. Capture the moments in life worth capturing. I'm probably gonna be one of those guys glued to the lens as soon as I know how. I know it's not difficult to take a picture. Capture the beauty on the other hand. A whole other thing.

We go to a store I've googled beforehand. I walk out of there with a new camera. It's expensive but I feel good about my purchase and decide to try it out. I snap a couple of pictures of Louis. I change the settings to black and white and snap a couple of more until he starts to protest. I just smile. We go out for dinner after that. Nothing fancy. Just a hamburger and fries.

A couple of weeks go by. I'm getting better at photography. Work is fun even if I still despise writing the gossip section. I'm thinking about asking our boss for another assignment. I don't know what I would like to write about though so I have to figure that out first.

I find myself picking up the guitar almost every evening. Humming along. Not singing. No words leave my mouth. Just sounds.

Louis and I are in a good place. We see each other almost every day outside work. We kiss. We do more, without going all the way, but we're advancing in that direction. I'm so in love with him. Love him. But I don't tell him that.

It's a Wednesday. I have invited Louis over for a home-cooked meal. He shows up. Lets himself in with his spare key. I'm in the kitchen making dinner. He steps up to give me a kiss just as I take a step back. Colliding. Bumping into him.
"Oops!" I say out loud.

He just stares at me. Eyes growing wide from surprise.
"Hi." He replies.

I'm frozen. I just spoke? Without thinking. Oops? What kind of stupid first word is that after years of silence? It angers me. My reaction is half panic half anger for throwing away such an important moment on a stupid word.
"Harry! You spoke!" He says excitedly.

I snort. Turn to the stove. He grabs my arm.
"Harry! This is huge! You fucking spoke. Out loud! I heard you."

I turn to sign to him.
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. I slipped. Stupid word."

"Why are you upset?" Louis asks, eyeing me.

"Why are you so excited over a stupid word?" I sign back. I know I'm being silly. This is progress. Why am I freaking out?

"Why are you not excited?" He retorts. Furrowed eyebrows. He looks confused.

I shrug. Snort.
"I'm sure you wish you were dating someone who actually talks. One word doesn't change anything. Don't get your panties in a twist."

He glares. He's angry.
"Don't be dumb. I don't care about that."

"So now I'm stupid too? Mute and stupid." I sign. I don't know why I'm fighting. Why do I take this out on him?

"What the hell, Harry? No! You know what? Sometimes I think you want to stay miserable because that's all you know." He shouts.

That hurts. He's not wrong.
"Screw you." I sign. Regret it immediately.

He stares me down. Jaw clenched. He turns around. Storms off. Slams the door behind him. I feel awful. I just started a fight over nothing because I can't cope with my own shit. I pace back and forth for fifteen minutes before I turn off the stove, put my shoes on, and head to the subway. I have to apologize. Now.

Ten minutes later I knock on his door. He opens it. Cohesive.
"I'm sorry, Lou. Can I come in?" I sign.

His features soften. He opens the door wider. Lets me in.
"I freaked out. I haven't spoken a single word in so many years. Had this mental blockage. And then I just slip. Oops? I always thought I would say something meaningful, you know? It made me angry. Panicked. Angry. Frustrated. I took it out on you. I'm so sorry." I hurry to explain.

He sighs. Wraps his arms around me. I bury my nose in the crook of his neck. Breathe him in.
"For me, Oops is a very special word. It's the first thing you ever said out loud. I don't care if you ever say anything ever again. I mean, I hope you do, for your sake. I want you to find your voice again. The way I feel about you has nothing to do with that. I like you just the way you are."

I kiss him. Put everything I feel for him into that kiss. He presses me against the wall. Tongues colliding. Hips moving. He picks me up like I weigh nothing. I wrap my legs around him. He takes me to the bedroom. My stomach flips. Are we finally having sex?

He drops me on the bed. Takes his shirt off. Lays on top of me. Kisses me. Caresses me. Undresses me. I'm under his spell. Submit.

He goes down on me. Takes me in his mouth. Tastes me. Grabs the lube. Looks at me. I'm already shaking.
"Are we ready for this?"

I nod my head. Almost desperately. He comes up to kiss me while he opens the bottle of lube.

Sex. It's beyond everything I could have ever imagined. Skillful fingers opening me up. I'm aching. He finally pushes inside. Kisses me. Soft but demanding. Sweet but edgy.

Hands touching. Lips gracing skin. Heavy breathing. Panting. Moaning. I see stars. He takes me to the top and helps me through it. Riding our highs. Together.

He removes the condom. Wraps his arms around me from behind. Kisses my neck.
"I love you." I whisper. I can't keep it to myself anymore. I have to tell him.

He freezes.
"What? Did you just...?"

I take a deep breath. Turn around. Look into his beautiful blue eyes. Clear my voice.
"I love you." I say out loud. It's not a whisper this time. Scared senseless. How will he react?

His eyes tear up. He hugs me. Tightly.
"I love you too."

I'm so relieved. Happy. Tears well in my eyes. He plants kisses over my whole face. Caresses my hair. Laughs. Cries. I cry too. Laugh through tears. I finally told him. I used my voice for something important.