Silence

16

When I walk into the newsroom on Monday I notice a significant change. No more silence, whispers, or stares. Maybe it's because Louis is right by my side? Maybe it's because he has managed to build a bridge between me and our co-workers by being my voice? No matter what the reason is it all comes down to one thing. Louis. He has rocked my world. Changed it for the better. In every way possible.

I go to see my therapist after work. I tell her everything that happened during the weekend. She asks me how I feel. I think about it.
"I needed closure. Going back to where it all happened gave me that. I think I can move on now. It will always be a part of me. My family and what happened to them. I will never forget. But I won't let it consume me anymore." I sign truthfully.

She smiles at me.
"You've done an amazing personal journey. You're not done yet but you've come so far and I hope that you're proud of yourself."

I am. Louis was the one who gave me the will and the strength to face my trauma and he's been an amazing support, but he can't heal me. That's my fight and I'm fighting! With every fiber in my body.

We spend the hour talking about my visit to my old home. Sort through my emotions. Put a name on my feelings. When our time is up my therapist hugs me.
"I'll see you next week."

I know that I'm not done yet. I know that it will take years of therapy. I know that I'm not magically healed just because I had a breakthrough. But I feel hopeful for the future. That's a huge leap. I'm doing better. I'm on the right path.

I hurry home. Louis will already be there. I gave him a key weeks ago when he decided to move in. I unlock the door and am met by a bag by the door. What's going on? Louis comes out of the bathroom.
"Hi! How was therapy?" He asks.

"Fine. What's that?" I sign, pointing at the bag.

"Well, I think it's time for me to move back to my flat. You're doing better now." He says.

I'm confused. He must see that on my facial expression. He walks up to me and pulls me in for a hug. Lets go after a moment.
"It feels like we're skipping steps and I want to do this right, you know? I want to take you out on dates, buy you flowers, kiss you under the moonlight after I dropped you off at home. Miss you like crazy and be happy to see you the next day. All the cheesy stuff. I don't want to rush into this. Living together is rushing it. It's one thing to do it as friends but I'm hoping we'll be more than that." He explains. Shy smile. Looks at his feet. Adorable. He makes my heart sing.

"I hope that too and it makes perfect sense. Nothing you said was cheesy. It's sweet and it makes me happy and excited. I can't wait to go on a date with you." I sign. When he's so open about it I have to be that too. Putting my heart at risk.

"Great! What are you doing now?" He grins.

"Are you asking me out on a date?" I question. Signing excitedly.

"I sure am. Are you up for it?" He winks.

"Absolutely!" I agree.

"Okay then. Spur of the moment. Not really had time to plan anything. Dinner and a movie?" He suggests.

"Sounds perfect!" I smile.

I ask for a minute to get ready. He has already showered and changed his outfit since work. I hurry to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later I'm ready. I find him in the living room on his phone. He looks up and smiles.
"You look stunning!"

I sign "so do you."

We take the tube. Apparently he had managed to book us a table at a restaurant while I got ready. He holds the door open for me, pulls out my chair. I giggle. He's really making an effort but it's not just an act.

He orders for me after he has asked me what I want. I usually never go out and eat. It stresses me out. Trying to communicate what I want by pointing at the menu. I don't have to worry about that this time.

He talks to me through sign language. Keeps quiet. It makes it intimate. Just the two of us. Communicating.

The food arrives and it's delicious. I enjoy every second of our dinner out. Mostly the company. He really brought his A-game. Flirting, joking, talking silently.

He pays for both of us. Takes my hand as we walk outside. His hand fits perfectly in mine. Warm. Small. Delicate.

There's a movie theatre a block away. We pick a romantic comedy. He pays again. I protest.
"Next time you ask me out and you can pay." He smiles.

Next time. The promise it beholds gives me butterflies. We buy some popcorn and soft drinks. Sit in the back. Share the bucket of popcorn. The movie is good but my attention is on the beautiful man beside me. When we finish the popcorn he puts the bucket on the floor and takes my hand instead. I'm beaming. This is real. This is how it's supposed to be. Boy meets boy. Fall in love. I'm already head over heels. I love him. But we're not skipping steps.

He follows me home afterward. As soon as we're inside my flat he steps closer. Grabs me by the hip to pull me in. He has to get up on his toes. I hunch. He smiles before he kisses me. Softly at first. More demanding after a while. My knees are weak. When he breaks the kiss I'm out of breath. Stare into his beautiful blue eyes. His pupils are blown. He caresses my cheek.
"Thank you for a lovely first date. Good night, Harry."

"Good night." I sign. I want to ask him to stay but it's better like this.

He grabs his bag and walks out the door. I slowly sink to the floor. Back against the door. Stupidly smiling. I'm happy.