Silence

13

"Are you okay? Stupid question. Are you holding it together?" He asks after a while. Leans back a bit to look at me.

I think about it. Sign.
"Yeah, I'm okay. It was really tough seeing my old house again but I needed that."

He doesn't look convinced.
"Are you sure? I can't believe the house is still filled with all your things. Like, why hasn't anyone cleared it?"

"I think it's because of me. Technically it's my things now. I think they waited for me to claim it and when I didn't they just left it not knowing what to do with the house. I mean, two families got murdered in that house. It's not like it's a place someone wants to buy." I reply thoughtfully.

"I guess. Do you want to keep it?" He asks.

I shiver.
"Absolutely not! I don't want to live in the past anymore. I'm trying to leave that behind me. I have good memories from that house but what happened overshadows that." I sign upset.

"Yeah, I get that." He says quietly.

"Are you okay?" I sign.

He hesitates.
"I'm emotionally wrecked. I think it really hit me what a travesty it is. Don't get me wrong, I understood that before but it became crystal clear when we walked inside your old home. It's awful what happened. Beyond that. I don't even have words to describe it, honestly. But Harry, you are so fucking strong. Brave. I'm so proud of you. So fucking impressed. You really just did that."

I don't know what comes over me. If it's his words? The way he looks? His nose is red. His eyes are puffy. Tear-stained cheeks. So much empathy shines through his beautiful blue eyes. I lean forward and kiss him. Softly pressing my lips against his.

He pulls back. Breaks the kiss before it hardly begins. Stares at me in surprise. I realize what I just did. Blush crimson red. I want to sink through the ground. Disappear.
"Sorry! Fuck. Sorry. Please don't hate me. I shouldn't have done that." I sign upset. Scared senseless that I crossed a line I can't uncross. Destroyed everything. Lost him.

"Harry. A blind man can see that I'm crazy about you. I've been wanting to kiss you forever. I've been waiting for you to get to a place where you are ready for this. For us. I don't want our first kiss to be here. Outside the house of horror. Sorry, that wasn't... I don't want our first kiss to be connected to the worst day of your life. Or have snot all over my face after bawling my eyes out. It should be special. Our memory. Connected to us and us only. Does that make sense? I'm not trying to blow you off. Just not now. Okay?"

I break out in a smile. Surely showing my dimples. Beaming.
"It makes perfect sense. You're right." I sign.

He smiles too. Holds eye contact. Ruffle my hair fondly. We sit like that for a minute or two.
"Are you ready to leave this place?"

It takes a toll on my happiness. I look through the window. See the house one last time.
"Yes."

He turns on the engine. Drives away. Takes my hand. Glances at me. I watch the house disappear behind us. Hopefully, I'm ready to leave it behind me now. Move on. Keep my family's memory alive. The good times. I will never forget what happened that night. Of course, I won't. It will be with me forever. But hopefully, I won't let it control my whole life anymore. I have to stop feeling guilty for being alive and honor my family by living my life to the fullest. It's like a big stone is lifted from my chest. I can breathe again. They would want me to be happy. I glance at Louis. Feel my heart beat fast. He turns his head to look at me. Smiles. My heart skips a beat.

We stop at a flower shop and walk inside. I have trouble choosing. Louis helps me. I buy three different bouquets. We return to the car and stop by the city hall to return the key. It's the same lady who gave us the key that takes it back. She doesn't seem to know what to say.
"I hope everything went well. Oh dear, I mean...erhm... So can we expect you in the near future? I mean, there are a lot of things to remove before we tear the house down. Surely you want to keep everything?"

Louis answers for me.
"Harry has taken what he wants to keep. You can tear down the house. Do what you want with the things inside."

We hurry out of there. I need some air before we get on the road again and I sign a quick explanation to Louis. He nods and we take a quick walk around town. It looks almost the same. I point and tell stories from my childhood.

When we return to the car Louis drives us to the cemetery. I bring the flowers. I have to search a little for the tombstones. I can't remember where they are buried. When we finally find them I just stand there staring at the names engraved on the stones.
"I'll give you some time alone." Louis says quietly, squeezes my shoulder, and steps away.

How do I do this? I can't speak. I realize that it doesn't matter. They wouldn't hear me anyway. I put the flowers on the graves and starts to sign.
"Hi. I'm sorry I haven't been here since the funeral. If you somehow have been able to look down on me I guess you have been worried about me. I'm not gonna lie. I have struggled. I miss you all so much! It's not fair! I kind of lost my way but I think I'm on the right track now. It feels like it. I can actually see a future. It's not just darkness anymore. The guy behind me? That's Louis. I love him. He's absolutely amazing and he's so supportive and just... I wish you could have met him. For real. I wish that I could have taken him home to introduce him. I did take him to our house but that's different. I hope you understand why I don't want to keep anything. Except for pictures and my guitar. I want to remember the good times. For so long all I could remember was that night. I was stuck. I think that I'm gonna be okay now. I promise that I will try to live a happy life but you will always be with me. I carry you here." I put a hand over my heart.

When I walk away I feel lighter. Louis takes my hand and makes sure that I'm okay. I think I am. Or I'm starting to be. I never thought that would be possible.

We get in the car and Louis drives towards Doncaster. I will come back to Holmes Chapel to visit my family's graves but I'm glad to put my old hometown behind me.