Silence

5

I lock the door behind me. Crumble to the floor. Leaning my back against the door. I pull my legs up. Burying my face against them. Shallow breathing. That had been a disaster. Louis must find me so weird. He must be angry at me. How am I supposed to face him at work on Monday? I'll have to call in sick. Work from home. But I can't do that forever.

A knock on my front door makes me jump.
"Harry! Open up. Just talk to me."

It's Louis. Right, I told him my address earlier. I just never expected him to come over. The thought of ignoring him crosses my mind but he doesn't deserve that. I owe him an explanation. He has been nothing but nice to me.
"Come on! You can hear me, right?" He shouts.

I sigh. Try to collect myself. My hands are shaking as I unlock the door and open it. We stare at each other. He looks upset.
"Are you okay?" He asks.

I shake my head.
"So you can hear me?"

I nod my head.
"But you don't speak?"

I shake my head.
"Alright. Will you let me in?" He asks.

I take a step to the side. Show him to the living room. We sit down.
"How do you know Niall?" He asks.

"From High school. He was an exchange student for a semester." I sign.

"Okay. Did you talk then? What happened?" Louis asks softly.

"I did." I sign. Hesitates. Takes a deep breath. I'm gonna tell him.

"Someone broke into our house one night. He killed my family. My mum, dad and my sister. I survived. I haven't spoken since. Traumatized I guess." I sign fast. His eyes are glued to my hands. I'm close to tears.

His mouth falls open. He looks up. So many emotions in his beautiful blue eyes.
"What? That's fucking horrible! Oh my God, Harry. I'm so sorry."

I sign a "thank you". I don't really know what to say.

He's eyeing me. Looks concerned. No pity as far as I can see. That surprises me.
"I don't really know what to say, Harry. I do know how it is to lose family members but not like that. Me mum died of cancer a couple of years ago and then me sister OD a year later. That was an unexpected death but they both hurt as much, you know? Even if me sister's death was more of a shock. With me mum I at least knew that it was gonna happen, you know what I mean? I'm not trying to say that I know what you've been through because what you just told me is hard to grasp. Thank you for telling me. I guess I just want you to know that I can relate at some level."

A tear makes a break for it. I wipe it away.
"I'm sorry for your loss." I sign.

"Thank you. I'm not trying to make this about me though. Have you...have you talked to... I mean, you know, with your hands, have you seen a professional? Gotten some help to process?" He asks.

"Several. I'm a lost cause." I sign. Snort.

"I don't believe that for a second." Louis says.

Another tear rolls down my cheek. Before I can remove it he reaches out and does it for me. Wipes it away with his thumb. Holding my face in his hand. I lean into the touch. No one ever touches me.
"It's okay to cry, Harry."

"Tears don't change anything." I sign.

"No, but they heal." He says softly.

He removes his hand. My face misses the touch already.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I'm not deaf." I sign.

"Please, you don't have to apologize. I get it. It doesn't really matter." He immediately says.

We sit in silence for a moment.
"Tea?" I sign.

"Sure. Unless you want to be alone?" He wonders.

I shake my head. I've been alone enough to last me a lifetime. I get up and he follows me to the kitchen. Looks around.
"I like your place. Very well organized. Cozy."

I smile. Sign "thanks" before I grab the kettle to boil some water. We return to the living room when the tea is finished. He talks about other things. He's trying to light my mood and he succeeds. I even giggle a little and that makes him smile. He still talks with his hands too even if he doesn't have to. I find it endearing. I think I'm crushing on him. He's so wonderful.

We decide to watch a movie. He falls asleep halfway through it. His head falls to the side, resting against my shoulder. I grab a blanket and manage to drape it over him without waking him. I reach for my notebook on the coffee table. I want to capture this moment in words. Let it forever be imprinted on a piece of paper.

Old times new faces

Everything here is always the same
Same old tables
Everything is still like those good old times
Where I was happy and life was still fine
But all still so unknown
Just to remind me
How it's all a cruel lie
A new face in this cold working place
Will it warm me up
Or will it let me freeze?
Maybe my heart will repair
Maybe it'll bleed
And I know
you're way too far to be touched
I'll just admire you from afar
And maybe if you really are like that
You'll earn a little space in my heart
Just like years ago
But with new faces
Characters of an endless story
Told again and again

My mind is a mess. Like always. I can't capture happy thoughts. There's always darkness surrounding me. My eyelids are getting heavy.