Silence

8

My world is expanding. Two become Four.

Niall brings two friends one Saturday. I immediately panic a little. Twist uncomfortably. Glance at the entrance. They're gonna find me weird. Louis notices, of course. He puts a hand on my knee. Squeeze it reassuringly. It burns a hole in my fabric. The warmth. I turn to him and smile nervously. He leans in to whisper.
"I've got you."

Now the warmth is burning a hole in my chest instead. I love him. Niall catches our attention. You can always count on him to make a blunt introduction.
"These are my friends, that's Zayn and that's Liam. These are my other friends, Louis and Harry. Harry doesn't talk but he can hear you."

I blush. They give me a surprised look but they take it well. Ask no questions. They just shake our hands and smile before they take a seat. Our booth gets crowded and Louis moves closer to me. I don't mind.

We drink. They talk. I listen. Liam and Zayn are nice. Friendly.
"So how long have the three of you known each other?" Louis asks and then he turns his head to me and smiles as if he wants to make sure I feel included. My heart jumps. I'm no longer a bystander in my own life.

"About three years. We share a love for music. We actually met in a guitar shop all three of us. It became a thing and then we decided to go out for a beer."

Louis leans in to whisper something in my ear. He's funny. I giggle. He turns to the boys again.
"Alright. I love music too. How about you, Harry?" He asks and turns to me again.

"I used to love to sing." I sign to him. He looks sad for a second. His hand is back on my knee.

"So how long have you two been a couple?" Liam asks.

I look up in confusion. They're all looking at us. Niall is grinning like a fool. I blush.
"We're not." Louis says but he's smiling.

"Oh, sorry. I thought... Never mind." Liam says.

"It's just a matter of time." Niall mumbles but I hear him perfectly. I glance at Louis. Nervous.

He just smiles, rolls his eyes at Niall, and sticks out his tongue. He's not saying no. My heart stops. A flicker of hope makes my stomach flutter. I shut it down immediately. He doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Hurt me. He knows I'm gay. He's being considerate. A sweetheart. Someone who is confident in his own sexuality. Now my heart drops in my chest. He notices my mood swing. Gives me a tentative glance. Smiles at me. I smile back. I don't think it's convincing.

The night continues. They're getting louder. Beer has that effect on people. Not on me. I'm still silent. Quiet. Even as a drunk. It's almost impressive that I never slip. How my brain is wired. Forbidding me to talk. My brain is my biggest enemy. I feel a light touch on my hand. I raise my eyes to look at him. So beautiful.
"Are you okay?" He asks quietly.

"Terrific." I sign. Grin.

"You're drunk." He states. Smiles. Signs.

"So are you!" I silently reply.

"Guilty." He chuckles.

I giggle. Beer makes me giggly. Relaxed. I'm having a good time. I'm not surrounded by my usual darkness. I don't have a chance to fall down my rabbit hole of self-pity.

The boys make sure to include me, thanks to Louis who translates my silent words.
"How come you know sign language?" Zayn asks.

Louis shrugged his shoulders.
"I took classes in High school. Most people chose France or German but I don't know. Most people speak English and can communicate. I guess the thought of communicating with people who most people don't take the time to learn how to communicate with, the deaf society felt better. It made sense to me."

I'm in awe. He's absolutely amazing.
"You thought about that in high school? You're a freaking saint." Niall says. I silently agree.

"I'm no fucking saint." Louis snorts. He looks amused.

"You are to me. You help me connect with people in a way I haven't been able to before." I sign shyly.

He looks moved. Happy.
"Aaaaw, Harry." He coos and rubs my cheeks.

"What did he say?" Niall asks curiously.

"That was words meant for me." Louis replies.

"Not fair. Great! Now I have to learn sign language so I know all the juicy stuff you two are talking about." Niall mutters.

Louis laughs. It makes me giggle.
"Juicy? Right." Louis says sounding amused.

We manage to drink a couple of more beers before it's time to get home. Louis is swaying as we get up to leave.
"Crap! I'm really drunk." He giggles.

I put my arm around his shoulders to steady him. He throws his arm around my waist. We walk to the subway station like that. He almost falls asleep on the train. Leaning heavily against my shoulder. My stop is coming up. I shake him to get his attention.
"Will you be able to get home by yourself?" I sign.

He yawns.
"Can I crash at your place?"

My stomach flutters. This is new.
"Sure." I agree with a quick hand motion.

We get off the train. He holds on to me. I don't mind. I like having him close. Makes my heart beat like crazy. I'm hopeless.

We make it to my apartment. I unlock the door. He kicks his shoes off. Disappears into the bathroom. I just stand there. I don't know how to proceed. Do I make the couch for him? Offer him the bed? Before I have made up my mind he comes out of the bathroom. Smiles at me and heads to my bedroom and throw himself on the bed. Oh, alright. He made the decision. I don't have to. My heart is beating fast. It has been a long time since I shared a bed with someone. I hurry to the bathroom. Brush my teeth. Stare into the mirror. Snap out of it and get out. Walk into my bedroom. He has taken his clothes off.

I walk up to my bed. Fumble to get undressed. Shy. Slip under the duvet. I can feel his body heat. I turn my head to look at him. Sign a good night.
"Night, Harry. Are you okay with sharing a bed? I realize that I never asked. I can move to the couch if you want me to." He says. Yawns.

"It's fine." I sign. He smiles. Turns his back to me. I turn away from him. I can still feel him. His warmth.

I listen as his breaths become even. He's asleep. My heart is racing. There's a man in my bed. Not just any man. Him. The man of my desires. How am I supposed to fall asleep?