Silence

10

I reach out to one of my old therapists. The one who made me learn sign language. I have thought about it a lot. Therapy. To give it a fair chance. I think I can talk about my trauma now. At least I'm willing to try. I want to get better. For Louis. But mostly for me. He may have shown me a different way of life but he can't save me. I have to save myself. Again. This is my fight.

She answers my e-mail. Express how happy she is that I'm reaching out. Offering me an appointment next week. I'm nervous but I accept. I am doing this. For real this time.

I don't tell Louis about my therapy session on Monday at work. I want to have something to show for before I let him in. Some improvement. I don't know. What if I can't discuss it? What if it's gonna be like it always has been? I would be so disappointed in myself.

I tell him something vague when I decline his company after work. He doesn't question it.
"Alright, see you tomorrow then."

I wave goodbye and hurry to the subway station. I manage to get to my appointment in time. My hands are sweaty.

The therapist opens her door. She smiles at me.
"Hi, Harry. It's good to see you again. Welcome."

I sign a "Hi, good to see you too" and enter her office. I take a seat.

"So how have you been? I haven't seen you in years." She says eyeing me.

I shrug my shoulders. She grabs a pen and starts to take notes.
"So you're not speaking?"

I shake my head. She writes something on a paper.
"Nightmares still there?"

I nod my head. She takes notes.
"So what changed? Why are you here? I'm assuming you want to get past your trauma?"

I nod my head. She sighs.
"Harry, for this to work you actually have to say something and I'm not talking verbally. Use sign language."

I sign an okay. She smiles.
"So what changed?"

I hesitate. I sign.
"I met someone."

"A partner?" She asks.

"No, a friend." I tell her silently.

"That's wonderful. So is it someone you hope will be your partner one day or is it just platonic?" She wonders.

I blush a little. Sign quickly.
"I hope that we will be more than friends one day."

"I have to ask Harry. Are you doing this for them?" She questions. Looks at me firmly.

"Both. He makes me want to do better but I'm doing it for me. It's time." I sign truthfully.

"Alright. I can tell you right now that if you're only seeing me because you think that's what he wants you won't get through it. It has to come from you. Your will to get better. It's going to be tough. I'm not gonna lie." She says.

I take a deep breath. I sign.
"I'm ready."

"That makes me happy. So, Harry, we have to treat your unsolved trauma. To do that we have to make your brain realize that it's actually a long-term memory, something that happened in the past. The only way to do that is for you to talk about your trauma, over and over again." She informs me.

That sounds horrible but I'm willing to try. I nod my head.
"Any questions?" She wonders.

"Will I be able to talk then?" I ask silently.

"Well, that's really up to you. It's a mental block. A way for you to punish yourself for surviving. Am I right?" She asks.

I think about it. Nod my head.
"Then we'll work with that. Now tell me about that night, beginning to end."

I close my eyes. I go back there. To that night. I tell her. My hands are dancing quickly as I try to get through it as fast as I can. I realize that I'm holding my breath. Exhale. Inhale. I open my eyes. Look at her.
"Okay? She wonders.

I nod my head.
"Alright. Tell me again as detailed as possible."

It's brutal. She makes me repeat it five times before our time is up. I feel like I'm suffocating. My eyes are filled with tears. She hands me a tissue.
"You did so well Harry. I'm proud of you. How are you feeling?"

"Sad. Drained." I reply with a quick swift with my hands.

"As expected. You will feel worse until it gets better. I want you to be prepared for that. I'll see you at the same time next week." She says.

We say goodbye and I get on the train. I really don't want to be alone right now. I don't get off at my station. I continue. I find my way to the right apartment and ring the doorbell. Louis opens.
"Harry? What, wait, what's wrong?'

"I had a really rough day and I don't want to be alone. Can I come inside or are you busy?" I sign.

"Of course." He says and moves away to let me inside his apartment.

I look around as I follow him to the living room. I have never been to his place. We always hang out at my flat.
"I was just about to order some pizza. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah." I sign. I don't know if I can eat but it's worth a try.

He asks what I want on my pizza and makes the order. I sit on his couch. Look around the room. It's cozy. He has a thing for fairy lights. It's cute. Soft. It makes me smile a little. I meet his eyes. He looks worried.
"Wanna talk about it?"

I sigh. I'm exhausted. I lean forward. Rub my hands over my face. He puts an arm around my shoulders. I sit back. Rest my head on his shoulders. All I need is some comfort. He gives me that. Runs his fingers on my arm. It gives me goosebumps. I sigh again.
"I've decided to give therapy another try. I had my first session today. It was rough." I reveal silently.

He puts his hand on my head instead. Runs his finger through my hair. Soothing.
"Yeah? I'm proud of you for making that decision. It can't have been easy."

My chest feels warm. We sit like that in silence for five minutes. Then the doorbell goes off. He kisses my left temple before he gets up to get the pizza. I love him.