Hold me tight

6.

6. Wish you were here

I watched myself from the mirror before shower.
I stroked my arms with my cold fingers. My right hand, covered by tattoos. I used to cut myself when I was young, mostly I did it to my right arm. When I turned eighteen, I wanted to start covering those scars with tattoos. But I didn't have any money for that. I was too scared to ask my mom about it, I didn't know what her opinion was on tattoos.
So I just kept wearing long sleeve shirts, no matter was it hot summer day or not. Everyone were looking at me strangely. But luckily we had an summer cottage near the lake. There wasn't other people near us, so there I used to wear tee-shirts as well. My mother knew about my scars.
That summer cottage used to be my grandparents own, but when they died, it was left to us.

I always felt safe there, the nature and everything calmed my mind. My mom loved to be there too. She always told me how she would like to move there, leave her work and all behind.
My dad left right after when I was born, and I have never met him. Neither my mom never saw him after that. It was the two of us, but I knew she would've liked to have someone.
Someone to love her, tell her how everything will be alright. Someone to take care of me, be my dad figure.
I remember how I used to ask her many times when I was a child, that why I don't have a dad. And will I ever have, she didn't know what to say.
"We are stronger when it's just us." She used to tell me then. I accepted the answer, nodded, and continued drawing.
Afterwards when I think about it, she wanted to have someone.
But she was right, we were stronger when it was just us.
Then this one man came to our lives, he changed everything.
He ruined my childhood, my teenage years. Then he decided to do something that was irreversible.

I was twenty when I took my first tattoo on my right hand, I used to work on a small store by that time.
I was a bit scared what my mom would say about it, but when she saw it, she smiled.
"That's pretty, suits you." She said and studied it closely, it made me chuckle. When I told her I will cover my right sleeve with tattoos, she got even more excited. She wanted to give me suggestions what tattoos I should get, she really wanted me to get one of her favorite flower, a sunflower. So, it was the second one I got. Then she was stunned.
Those were the only moments when I saw her truly happy. When it was just the two of us, smiling and being happy for a second.

I shook my head and catched myself zoning out again. Fastly I took a look on my underboob tattoo, I took it couple months ago and it has healed well. Then I walked under the shower and turned it on. First cold water runned down my body and it made me shivers, but immediately I turned it to more warm.

After the shower I changed my clothes and looked at the clock, it was 2pm. Sighing I opened the fridge and tried to look something to eat.
My phone started ringing in the kitchen table, I freezed for a moment until I closed the fridge.
I looked at the phone and Eevi was calling, I was happy that it was her and not someone else.
Who else? I have no one else than her in my life, so what did I except who would call to me?

I answered to it and put it on speaker while I stared outside from the mirror and leaned against the table with my hands.
"Hi Eevi, what's up?" I asked first. Usually it was her who would immediately say something.

"Hi, I'm happy that you answered." It wasn't her voice, and it sounded too familiar to me.
My face got serious while I stared those green trees in the outside. I was quiet at first, I was too confused to speak.
"You remember me right? It's Joonas." He asked and I closed my eyes and tried to calm my mind.

"How I would forget..." I mumbled quietly.

"What?" He asked with a bit louder tone, he really didn't hear what I just said. Good.