Hold me tight

16.

      16. Shall I introduce you to how to live

I woke up early in the morning, the room was hot and it made me uncomfortable. Slowly I opened my eyes, it seems like I have been on the same position all night. But one thing has changed, I felt someone's arm around me. And I heard heavy breaths, I also felt them in my neck.
I tried to be as quiet and careful as I could while I turned myself to lay on my back. I turned my head to look at him, his blonde curls was in front of his eyes and his mouth was partly open. He looked so calm.
I looked at his arm that was around me, and I took gentle grip of it and moved it away. Slowly I got up, leaving Joonas alone in the bed.

I still had the same clothes on like I did have yesterday. I probably looked so bad now, I cried so much last night. For a moment I just stood at the middle of my apartment, trying to wake myself up. I wasn't hungry, I didn't even feel hunger.
But my head was hurting, also my body screamed for  a cigarette.
My pack of cigarettes was on my kitchen table, so I walked to get them, but my lighter was missing.
I sighed and started to look around, but I didn't find it anywhere.
I was just about to walk past my bedroom, but Joonas was suddenly standing there and it made me flinch.
"Jesus..." I said underneath my breath and put my hand on my chest.
Joonas looked at me amused while he rubbed his other eye, his hair was also pretty wild.

"You left the bed early." He murmured with his raspy morning voice. I didn't react, I only walked past him to the hallway. I looked for my jacket's pockets, and I finally found the lighter. It made my mood better.
When I walked past Joonas again towards the balcony, he frowned. But I heard him following me.

I sat on a chair, and exhaled smoke from my mouth.
Joonas was leaning against the railing in front of me, and he stared at me.
"You need to stop smoking." He then said, without any hesitation. I just looked at him under my eyebrows, and put the cigarette back between my lips.
"You smoke too." I mumbled. He rolled his eyes, looking at the view then while the sun was raising.

"Very rarely." He sighed, not looking at me. He narrowed his eyes because of the sun.
Last night was repeating in my mind, I couldn't think anything else but that. I was kinda ashamed that I told him that my mother was murdered.
And that my stepdad was the one who did it, and he was a drug dealer and abuser.
That's something I haven't even told to Eevi, and I know her better than Joonas. I've known her for longer time.
What is Joonas even thinking about from all that.
I watched his side profile, he looked.. handsome. I can't deny that. But when he turned his gaze back to me, I looked away quickly. I inhaled that cancer stick again.
"I know you were looking at me." He smirked, I felt the heat in my cheeks, but I decided just to roll my eyes.

"About last night..." I started nervously. I scratched the back of my head and put the cigarette on the ashtray. I didn't know what to say, but I felt like I needed to apologize him. He was waiting patiently, I just stared at my hands and put my leg on top of another. Why is this so hard?

"I'm sorry." I sighed and shook my head slowly.
I couldn't even look at him, my hands were sweating a little bit. He kneeled in front of me, and took my other hand, and stroked it gently. It made me look at him in confusion.
"Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just proud of you that you told me about so personal thing."
He's.. proud of me? He gave me a small smile, and that made me smile too, but not for a long time. Then I lowered my gaze to our hands, his touch feels so safe.. comforting.. different.
We were silent for a few seconds, we only listened seagulls.

"Will you allow me to introduce you to how to live?"
He asked smirking, I looked at him frowning.
His blue eyes were locked into mine, he didn't even blink. His smirk made me slowly smile too.
"What does that mean?" I questioned, lifting my other eyebrow up. Quickly he looked our hands, and then his gaze looked different again when he looked at me back again. He had a seductive look in his eyes.
"You will find it out, I just need to hear your answer." He said. It felt like his eyes were doing a spell on me.
First I was silent, I let him wait for my decision.