Hold me tight

14.

                   14. Sinking into the mist

The cold wind was dancing with my hair, I was standing near the ocean. It was late night, a beautiful sunset was right in front of me. Different shades of orange filled the sky. I had my hands in my leather jacket's pockets, my hair was in a messy bun I've had for couple days. I have been inside in my apartment again, not going anywhere. Eevi has been in different festivals with the boys. They also spent midsummer at Pudasjärvi, they had a gig in there and probably drank after that, a lot. I was alone at my apartment, Eevi did ask me to come with them, but...

My thoughts were interrupted by a man's voice. He was alone, further away from me. He was talking stupid things loudly and he was all drunk. It made my mood go down again, so I decided to leave the place right away.
"Hey! You! Girl!" He shouted after me, I felt how shivers went through my body. I fastened my steps, I tried to stay calm and not panic. But I knew he was following me, he wanted to say something and he wasn't going to give up.
"Please, stop! Do you have any money..?" He groaned after me, and he didn't sound so.. angry anymore. I decided to slow down, and I dared to look over my shoulder. He was closer, and he was out of breath. He looked like he was in his 50's.
I sighed and stopped, not completely trusting him, but still I did it. He came closer and closer, then he stopped, only one feet away from me.
He had dirty blonde hair, and his green eyes looked tired. I wonder where he sleeps at nights.
"I need.. money..." He begged quietly. All his actions made me feel sad.
"For what..?" I asked gently. He came even closer, and that made me feel uncomfortable. I frowned.

I tried to take couple steps back, but his moves were faster this time. He took a grip of my jacket, pulling me closer. I flinched hard.
"I.. need.. money. I.. need.. drugs. I'm going to die.. if I can't have any..." His low and quiet tone made me scared. His eyes suddenly looked like he was the devil. I tried to look around, but there was no one.
I was alone with him, I had no escape.
What the fuck I'm supposed to do? Stupid me!

"Let me go." I only dared to say. Those words made his eyes almost burn because of the anger he had.
I felt how he took stronger grip. Fuck. Why is it always me?
"Get me some cocaine.. I know you have connections." He whispered angry. I frowned even harder, trying not to breathe too loudly. I felt like he was going to get even more angrier for that.
I was feeling confused at first, but then I recognized him. I've met this man before.
I was only a little girl, maybe ten. I remember how someone was ringing the doorbell angrily, I was at home with mom and.. my stepdad. I hate to call him by that name.
Mom was at the shower, and he was in the balcony, drinking beer and smoking.
I was playing with my dolls in my room. And the door kept ringing, it was making me frustrated.
"Get the door open, Saga!" He yelled from the balcony. He was drunk and he was too lazy to go himself.
I flinched, and I was scared as hell, of course I did what he commanded. I went to the door and opened it, and there stood a young man. He was shaking, he looked around nervously and he was all sweaty.
He looked down at me, smirking first and then looking inside of the apartment.

"Where's Veksi?" He murmured then. Veksi, his cover name. I knew who he meant, these men have been there before. It was dangerous for all of us, it was stupid for them to deal drugs at there.
I looked at him up and down, I didn't say anything. I walked away, leaving him there waiting.
I walked to the balcony, hesitating. He sat there, drank and smoke.
"Someone is asking you." I quietly said to him.
With rolling his eyes he stood up, throwed the cigarette away and gave me the empty beer bottle.
Then he walked to the door, and they dealed drugs there.

And this same fucking man is having a grip on me, staring at me angrily. How the hell did he recognize me, and how in the earth he's here in Helsinki?
He was still staring at me, but he did let go of me. He saw how scared I was.
"I don't have any fucking connections. He's in jail, didn't you know that?" I said with much more confident, he only chuckled a bit and rubbed his nose then.