Hold me tight

9.

                     9. Letting the rain beat

We were sitting in a bench with Eevi, near the ocean. She was drinking some ice tea she bought from a cafe, I was just nervously playing with my couple rings.
It was cloudy day, but still warm. The wind was messing with my open hair.
Eevi put her other leg on top of another, mine were just shaking like always when I felt anxiety.
"So, Joonas wants to see you and get to know you better, what's the problem? You are the bridesmaid and he's the bestman. It could be good for you two." She shook her shoulders and took a sip of her cold drink.
I let out a long sigh, closed my eyes for a second and tried to sound not too mean.

"Yeah yeah everyone's saying that. But I see what he's doing. Soon he will wrap me around his finger and then I can throw the rest of my hope away. Even tho I don't have any hope left..." I stared the grey clouds, I think it's going to rain soon. She chuckled and I turned my head to look at her, she put her arm on the backrest and leaned against it.
She shook her head and that smile on her face didn't fade away, I frowned in confusion.

"And you have the worst thought of Joonas. He's nothing like that. He's one of the sweetest men I know. You have told me how he keeps telling you how he wants to know you better and get your number.. that's just sweet. I don't remember when was the last time he was like that." She told me and kept drinking her tea. I looked to the ocean and put my leg on top of another too so the shaking would stop.

We were silent after that, I had no words to say.
I can imagine how she feels when I'm talking like that about her friend.
"Hey, I understand you." She then touched my shoulder to get my attention back to the earth. I just looked at her quickly and nodded lightly, but she didn't buy that.

"You have big trust issues, I know it. And I hope you would talk more about your feelings.. to me. Like what you really feel inside of your mind and heart. It would help. And I hope you remember that you can trust me fully." She continued and I started to feel nervous, I felt that weird feeling in my throat. Like I would throw up.
Her words were spinning around my head, echoing in my mind. My vision started to get blurry, I was zoning out again.
She gave me time, she waited for me to open up.
She was waiting for nothing.

Minutes passed, first two, then five, then eight.
I heard her taking the last sip of her tea.
I took a deep breath.
"I see he's amazed by you." She then said, breaking the long lasting silence I was kinda enjoying.
I shook my head, amused. I turned to look at her again, her face was neutral, she stared the ocean.
My amused small smile faded away, she was serious.
Has he talked about me to her? I hope not.
But I know that she wanted me to talk to her, but I gave her nothing. I think she's disappointed.
Does she think that I think that I don't trust her enough? I was feeling bad. But I can't talk about my things like that, I need time. And that time can be forever.

"Amazed?" I questioned raising my other eyebrow.
She nodded slowly, then turned her green eyes to me.
"He admires you. He told me yesterday that you seem like an unsolved mystery. Of course Joel and the others started to tease him about it." She grinned in the end.
Unsolved mystery, huh?
Oh Joonas the things you don't know...
And if you would, I don't know would you see me the same.

Soon it started raining, Eevi headed to the boys rehearsal place, I decided to walk home.
It really was raining heavily, everyone were probably looking at me weirdly because I was all wet and I didn't have an umbrella or anything. I just let the sky beat me up.
I didn't care, I'm not made of sugar so why I would even try? Also a thunder started to show up too, I love thunder. The sound of it, that power what mother nature has is incredible. I wish I had that kind of powers.
I finally reached home, and my bed sounded better than ever before. I wanted to wrap myself up with the blanket, lay in a dark room while the thunderstorm is going on.
And I kinda wished I wouldn't be alone.