Hold me tight

15.

              15. Don't let go

I was leaning, and leaning. My whole body was shaking of the fear. This felt like the scene from Titanic where Rose was trying to jump to the cold water. But she couldn't after all, Jack saved her.
But where is my savior? There is no one. Only the thing that whispered to me, it's going to get me soon. I know it.
I heard someone running in my apartment, it made shivers to my body. But the someone called my name.
The balcony door flyed open, I let go of the railing.
"No!" Joonas shouted, I felt his arms wrapped around my body before I would've fallen off from the balcony. He pulled me back, we both fell to the floor of the balcony. My body was shaking, my face had millions of dry tears in it. Joonas pulled the hair away from my face, and his blue and worried eyes studied mine. He was out of breath, and he put his arm on my face, me only leaning against it harder.
"Saga? What the fuck were you doing?" He asked panicked with his shaking voice.
I opened my mouth carefully, he leaned even closer so he could hear my weak voice.
"Someone is whispering from my bedroom..." I answered very quietly. His eyes widened open. But he took me closer, pressing my head against his warm chest. I closed my eyes, I was tired as hell. Suddenly I didn't feel so scared anymore, his heartbeats calmed me down.

But I started crying again, I let out all the anxiety and suicidal thoughts. My head started hurting because of it, I felt so small and weak human right now.
Joonas stroked the back of my head, he was so calm.
I sobbed, and sobbed. It felt like there was no end of that.
I started figuring out that there wasn't anyone in the apartment with me, I only imagined it all.
"Shh.. everything is okay now. I'm here." Joonas calmed me down with his quiet voice. I buried my face against his chest, hoping that this moment could last forever.
"Don't let go of me..." I whispered, not trusting on my voice at all.
We were here, sitting on a balcony floor. My mind was a big mess, I was zoning out and just hoping that this scary experience is never going to happen again.
But I'm afraid that it will.
Joonas doesn't know what is going on, he's just here holding me and probably is confused as hell.
But I'm afraid to tell him. What if he's going to judge me? What if he thinks that I'm crazy and he wants to leave immediately. What if.. he's scared of me?

Time passed by, I was getting calmer. But still, I didn't trust myself. What excatly happened? Too many questions and no answers.
"Joel called me a while ago that he saw you with a man. Who he was? Why he grabbed you? Did something happen?" Joonas started asking worried. His tone was so calm, I felt safe.
I dared to lift my head up and our eyes met, his gaze wandered between my both eyes. He put some of my hair behind my ear while I tried to speak.
My jaw was shaking. I looked away, trying to say something.
I stared his black shirt that was now wet of my tears.
"He.. uhm..." I tried, but my voice was too weak. New tears fell down from my eyes, but I wiped them away fast. Joonas put his other arm on my shoulder, stroking it.
I don't know if this was the best place to talk about this, or was I even in that condition to talk, but I felt like I had to. Joonas deserves to finally know.
He deserves to know why I am like this, why I'm so depressed and.. crazy I think.
All the things he has done to me already.. and I have given him nothing back.
Slowly I looked him back to his blue eyes, it felt like I was drowning into them.

"Shall we go inside..? You look very tired." He suggested gently, I nodded as an answer.
He stood up first and carefully helped me up. My legs were weak, all this felt so weird.

I sat on my bed, I was so tired and exhaused. But I wanted to explain now. If I'm going to do it later.. I might not. Now I'm feeling like talking, so, I need to do it then.
I layed down on the bed and Joonas put the blanket on top of me. After that he sat on the left side of the bed, close to me. His hand runned through his blonde and curly hair. This dark room was calming me down, and so did his presence.